Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[queen_butterfly]

She'd been jockeying for better positions, on and off, all morning, trying to find a spot where she both didn't have to get up as the sun changed its position, while being able to pull in as much energy from it as she could... and was actually comfortable.

The latter was silly, she told herself. She wasn't any more comfortable or uncomfortable in most forms, in most positions. It wasn't as though she actually had muscles and bones. But those arguably phantom muscles and bones had still made a very convincing argument for her to eventually leave a previous spot she'd tried to settle down at, all the same.

If Aqua had been watching her surroundings, or even facing that direction in the first place, she might have thought to question how Mallia had seemingly scaled the outside of the building from a lower roof or something, without having so much as disturbed a hair in her odd updo, or whether she'd had any issue with the fluttery, flowy length of her gown... or perhaps more suspicious, how she'd done it silently. The fairy pulled herself up, seemingly effortlessly, over the battlements, and landed lightly just within them... or had she? It might have been her own dark garments, but it might have looked for all the world, too, as though she'd been a mere puff of shadow, using her own lack of form to make traveling the few feet a much lighter, less physically demanding affair. One couldn't have physical demands, after all, if they weren't physical, now could they?

She stood back up, brushing her skirt back down more out of habit than any semblance of need, and paused, seeing the blue-haired young lady curled up there. A little pause as she hesitated; should she interrupt? That thought was brushed away just as quickly; what a silly question! Of course she ought to step in!

Her shoes making soft sounds on the rooftop, she circled around to Aqua's front to sit, her feet to one side of her rear. Quiet, tilting her head to see her at an angle closer to subjective upright, "What's wrong, poppet?" No mockery or joking, none of her usual cheer. Just concern.

[aquawayfinder]

Aqua wiped her face, aware of Malia from the question. And not really until then. She pushed herself into a sitting position.

"Sorry," she said softly. "Did you need some help?" she asked as she wiped the tears away with the heels of her hands.

[queen_butterfly]

"Why yes, I think I may. You see, there's a young lady out on a rooftop, who seems quite distressed. ...Do you think a hug might help her any?" She was being a little silly about it, perhaps, and giving just a little ghost of a smile, a question more than anything, but her tone hadn't changed. That was very clearly an offer, too, the way she turned her wrists, her hands open there over her lap... it wouldn't be hard, to take her up on that.

[aquawayfinder]

She offered her a small smile. "Hugs do generally help, yes," she said, taking her up on the offer. And not quibbling about the term young. She was aware that how she looked did not match how many years she remembered living.

[queen_butterfly]

Soft, with an even softer dress and all that loose fabric of the attached cape at her back, and some scent of roses and rain and sunshine... she gently rubbed Aqua's back a little, quiet, hugging. As long as Aqua wanted it, she'd have it.

[aquawayfinder]

That would be quite the long while as her mind and emotions roiled within her, pain and guilt and concern.

[queen_butterfly]

Mallia wasn't a telepath. In fact, she wasn't an empath, either. But she didn't need to be either of those things, to know that what was needed right now was to simply give Aqua this. And she could absolutely do that. She didn't exactly have the same kinds of needs as humans did; she wasn't going to get hungry or thirsty, or need to get up to change positions, or take care of any other inconvenient biological thing. She wasn't biological.

So if she wanted to simply stay there for minutes, or for hours, it was fine. One of Mallia's hands absently rubbed her back a little, lightly, at some point. And she listened; if Aqua's stomach made a sound during all this, well, that was another thing she could help with... even though she was actually paying attention for sounds she might make on her own. Sometimes people were just very quiet when they were upset, after all, and speaking normally was more difficult....

[aquawayfinder]

Aqua's mind was still turning everything over, though she was mindful that she wasn't alone. So she kept more of it within.

But it was there. The guilt. The sorrow. The regret. The sheer exhaustion.

Finally after about an hour, she sat up some. "Thank you," she said, softly.

[queen_butterfly]

"Mm...." She let her sit up, and lifted a hand to smooth some of her blue hair out of her face. "...I don't suppose it's anything you'd like to discuss? I find that, on occasion, it can be a relief to simply put voice to those complaints which weigh on and irritate oneself."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki had been worried about Aqua and Rren since the day Rren had exploded and Aqua had changed the approach to training. But Aqua shrugged off any concern and Rren was actively avoiding him. So he didn't push for either.

But with that already in the back of his head, when he saw the note and basket he doubled back the way he'd come and cautiously reached through his shields to try and get an idea where Aqua was without getting emotions. And the answer? Back at the school building and... up.

It took him a bit to work out how to get up there, but when he made it, well, there was no missing the state she was in. Anything he might have said initially fled and he sat down beside her. What he didn't know is he was doing the same exact thing he did when an animal was distressed or even when a person was seriously hurt and he was trying to treat them. He was radiating warmth. Not pushing emotions exactly, but just an air of comfort, that someone was there.

He cleared his throat then, speaking gently, much like he would have in those exact same situations. "Aqua... um... you don't need to talk if you don't want to but... I'm here. Whatever you need."

[aquawayfinder]

She pushed herself to sit up and wiped at her face. "I'm sorry, Enki. I should hav waited until after training. I didn't mean to put off helping you."

She had just... really needed some time. But if Enki needed her, that could wait.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki pulled her into a hug as soon as she sat up. "No. I'm here for you, not me," he said softly. He didn't hold her tightly, and would release entirely if she pulled away. But he wasn't about to let her make this about someone other than her. Not right now.

[aquawayfinder]

She returned the hug. "Thank you," she said softly, letting her face rest against his shoulder.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki would hold onto her until she chose to pull away, but he did break into the quiet after a bit. "I'm here, Aqua. Whatever you need."

[aquawayfinder]

"Thank you, Enki. That helps. Thank you."

Though it also brought a wave of guilt that she was just a moment too slow to close her shields around. Which of course made her feel guiltier. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on rebuilding her shields.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Stop," Enki said softly pulling her away just enough to meet her eyes. It was, possibly, the firmest he'd sounded since she met him, but then softened immediately. "Please. Sometimes... it's best to let your feelings out. Don't worry about me."

[aquawayfinder]

She blinked, surprised. She tried to smile but it wobbled. "I've already put you in too much danger," she whispered. I don't want to hurt you further."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea had turned up for training that day expecting to find Aqua there already, as usual. Instead he found a picnic basket and a note giving them the day off. His mind briefly drifted back to explaining the concept to Roxas after finding just such a note in the Gray Area, but it felt odd that Aqua would just leave a note like that. So this time, rather than sleeping, Lea opted to look for her, taking a few of the sandwiches and a thermos of tea with him.

All in all, it didn't take too long to find her. Her room he'd dismissed as too obvious, along with the more frequently used public areas of the school. Which left still technically public, but less frequented areas. And out of all of those, the rooftop was the first that came to mind. His hunch proved to be correct, as he found Aqua laying curled up on her side near the edge of the roof, hidden from view to anyone on the ground by the parapets. A good choice.... if one didn't have a student that frequented rooftops himself.

Lea walked over and sat down next to her, leaning back against the stone work before speaking. "You know," he said gently, "if you're looking to hide from me, a rooftop probably isn't the best place to do it. Just FYI."

[aquawayfinder]

She took a shaky breath and pushed herself to sit. Then sh wiped her face and shook her head. "I wasn't trying to hide," she said, softly. "I picked the roof for other reasons, but it didn't help as much as I thought it would. Mostly I just... needed a place to work through my emotions."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea nodded. "Rooftops are good for that," he said. "Something about the perspective, I think; being kinda up above the world. Everything seems smaller and farther away."

He opened up the bag he'd been carrying- he'd learned the hard way not to keep food in his pockets here-, offering her a sandwich she might recognize as being from the picnic she herself had prepared. "Sandwich? Normally it'd be ice cream, but even if we had any, it's a bit too early for that."

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a small chuckle, pushing the pain aside to be dealt with later. "Thank you. Does it being too early work with Xion and Roxas generally?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Not usually," he admitted with a bit of a wry smile. "Though we tended to meet up for ice cream at sunset, after we'd finished work for the day, so it wasn't generally a problem." He handed over the sandwich, then pulled out the thermos of tea, pouring the cap-cup full and handing it to her too, keeping the main thermos for himself for lack of another cup. "Should still be hot, but if it gets cold, let me know; I can warm it up for you no problem."

He took out another sandwich eating a bite before speaking again. "So... do you wanna talk about it? Or do I have to guess why you were curled up on a rooftop, crying?"

[aquawayfinder]

Sh accepted the tea and the sandwich and ate and sipped slowly. When he spoke again she took her time to finish chewing before she answered. "There are a number of reasons," she said finally, softly. "But this in its own way is a facet of Mastery. Examining our own motions, even the painful ones, and letting ourself feel them. Work through them to find the other side. If I bottled up all the pain and fear and hurt I hand a weapon to those who wish to pour Darkness into my heart. By facing it, no matter how painful, I find answers and defenses before the weakness is ever noticed. I protect the people I care about, by allowing myself to process my pain in a way that causes no harm."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea made a thoughtful sound. "Mmm... I guess that's true," he said. "I've kinda just had to... accept the darkness in mine. That's why I can still use Dark Corridors, and my other powers from when I was a Nobody. Axel was... is... the worst part of me, in a lot of ways, but he's also the part that first bonded with Roxas and Xion. Denying that part of myself means denying them too, and that's not something I can do. They're worth carrying around some extra darkness for."

"But you don't have to do it by yourself, you know. Working through things, I mean. You don't have to be 'Master Aqua' or 'Teacher Aqua' or even 'Keyblade Hero Aqua' all the time. It's OK to just be Aqua."

[aquawayfinder]

She was going to reply to the first part. Should reply to that. It was important. But what he followed it with cut to the heart of so much of her pain. She stared out over the crenelations. "It has been a very long time since I've been able to just be Aqua," she admitted, a single tear rolling. "I'm not sure I even remember how."