Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[aquawayfinder]

"Of course," she said, gently.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded, falling silent to see if she chose to share more or just to stay silent herself.

[aquawayfinder]

She was quiet for a while, then she let go of his hand and started to slowly stand. "I... think I need to move around some," she admitted.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded, standing as well. "Would you rather be alone, or may I join you?" Look, he might not have a clue the correct approach, but he wasn't going to leave her alone like this if he could help it.

[aquawayfinder]

"You may join me of course, but I wasn't planning to leave. There is space enough here to do forms."

If Terra had been here she would have asked to spar, but sh wasn't going to push as hard as she felt sh needed to against anyone but him or her Master. Well, maybe the versions of Riku she'd met who was past the war. Someone she knew could not only meet her ferocity but could also heal themself, and frankly could put hr in the dirt if she needed to be stopped. Not that she'd needed that since she was like... twelve. But still. Sparring against Enki she'd either hold back and not go as hard as she needed or she risked really hurting him.

Perhaps for the first time she wished she could go somewhere either Heartless or Unversed for a while and just us this energy to do something good.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Huh... I thought you might want to do something more active than forms." He rubbed at the back of his neck and shrugged. "But... ie, sure." He gave a small smile, worry showing through in spite of his best efforts.

[aquawayfinder]

"I'm going to be doing different forms," she told him with a small smile. She stepped back and summoned her Keyblade. She stretched her arm out with it and made a slow full turn. "Stay more than three feet from the furthest point in the arc, please," she said, then crouched and got herself ready.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded and stepped away as indicated. "This good?" He... wasn't sure what help he was just standing around while she practiced, but, better that than leaving her alone.

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded, took a breath and then launched herself into full sped combos, fighting imagined Unversed and showing a hint of how much further she is than the training she leads. Especially as she is winding magic in with her blows, going through including command styles, special movies, and finishers. She was a cut scene boss fight blur of motion, calling attacks occasionally, but sometimes moving in utter silence. While she could give more if she had to in actual combat, it was undeniable she was pushing herself now. Nothing like the forms she runs them through back at camp.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki mostly watched, curious to no small degree. He hadn't actually gotten the luxury of watching her any of the fights he'd been around her for. Speed was one thing, he was faster than he let on, so he got that he hadn't really seen it at this level from her before, but it wasn't just speed that made her dangerous. It was the mix of that, magic, and sheer skill. Though... he had to admit calling out attacks had him somewhat confused but... y'know.

But more than admiring it, that push showed the strain. And like everything else this conversation, worried him. Okay, what didn't worry him once he got it in his head to worry?

[aquawayfinder]

She kept going for about an hour. She slowed gradually to a stop, ending with a slower form she genrally gave them as a cool down that served as stretching as much as a fighting art at the cool down speed.

Then she wiped her face with a nanotech cloth that crawled its way out of her hand and vanished in the same manner. "That... helped," she said, rolling her shoulders. "It has been a while since I rally pushed like that." She smiled a bit at the pleasant burn in her muscles that said she stopped before going too far, but still got a good workout in.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"I'm glad it helped, at least for the moment." He considered quietly. "I'm not sure I've ever pushed myself like that unless I really had no choice. I just uh... that's not how I calm down, I guess?" It was an effort at small talk. Sort of. Better than saying he was still worried?

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a small chuckle. "We each calm down in different ways. For me, physical action helps me work through things often."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki gave a small nod. "Ie, makes sense." He paused and stared out at nothing really. "You're a good teacher, by the way. I umm, I just wanted to make sure I emphasized that."

[aquawayfinder]

She took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you," she said, softly.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He squeezed right back, offering a small smile. "If anything, watching you push yourself showed it? I mean like, I see the direction you're guiding and that you're making sure not too push too fast, which... would be easy to do."

He paused after that, uncertain. He wanted to ask about Rren, and that kind of led into it. But he uncertain if he should or if he was to close to that particular subject given that they'd blown up at him as well.

[aquawayfinder]

Aqua nodded. "Past a certain point, you will all find your own styles and I will help you with them. But the goal isn't for anyone to fight exactly the way I do, but in a way that best compliments their unique skills and abilities. I'm sure you've seen that Ven holds is Keyblade in a way non of the rest of us does. Make him hold it the way I hold mine and he is far less effective, almost clumsy even. But the way he holds it gives him a nimbleness to his strikes I've never seen matched. Also he is surprisingly good at being patient when he fights. He doesn't seem it the rest of the time," she said with a laugh. "But in combat? He conserves his energy. Uses his Keyblade to block and parry. Keeps his foes on the move, exhausts them. Of course he fights a mob of unversed differently than a single opponent, but we all do. He has his weaknesses h still needs to work on, of course," like being goaded too easily into giving up his defensive stance and strategy, "But his style works well for him. I... would probably chop off my own arm if I tried to fight his way. And then there is Terra. He is a wall defensively, and one of the physically strongest people I know. He can do more damage with a single blow than I can with a flurry of them. For me... my strength is mixing speed, agility, and motion. Each of my individual blows may be weaker than Terra's and I may not parry as well as Ven, but I have enough energy to keep moving and not give my foe a chance to plan or catch a breath."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded. "I spotted some of Ven's weaknesses when I sparred with him once, but I could also tell he was working on it? But spotting weaknesses is um... it's one of the things I do without thinking about it? Even without sparring them I've seen weaknesses for some of the others." He rubbed at the back of his neck. "I don't really like fighting though, I mean uhh... you know that."

[aquawayfinder]

"May I ask... what weaknesses have you seen in me?"

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki sighed. "Well, I... haven't sparred with you, and you've spent a long time working out any weaknesses I might have picked up just by umm, just by watching from the side. Including some the other version of you I met still had." He took a seat then, allowing himself to really think. "But you have emotional ones. You've been through trauma and it shows if you know how to look, even on days where you aren't breaking down. And well umm, I've seen you jump in over your head or at least try to on multiple occasions. All to avoid putting others at risk. In a way it's like you feel you're expendable even though you aren't. And that is... very much a weakness."

"There's some positive traits that could be exploited too, but I umm, I wouldn't want you to change those. Just maybe have a friend who can watch your back? I mean things like... you see the best in people, but people aren't always using that side? And umm, you have blinders for those you care about, but that... is true of almost anyone."

[aquawayfinder]

"How do you see the trauma on other days?" she asked. No defensiveness, she needed to learn so that she could improve. And to worry her friends less. "But if it helps, I do not think that I am expendable. I'm sorry if I gave that impression." She didn't think she was expendable, that wasn't it at all. Some was ego... She was aware that she had to work on that. But the rest... She couldn't stand by when someone needed her. And when it was a friend there was some selfishness there too. She hated for her friends to suffer.

"As for having a friend at my back... If I am fighting, that is the hope." A small warm smile.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki had to pause. "I'm not sure I can put it to words, exactly? It's no one thing, but a lot of little reactions. I'm not sure someone who hasn't dealt with trauma or who wasn't looking for weaknesses would even notice the way they add up?" He rubbed at the back of his neck. "It may even be the empathy that lets me pick up more than I should. But umm, I don't think that's it entirely." He shook his head then. "And. I really don't think you believe you're expendable, you just... act like you do sometimes. Which, ie, still can be taken advantage of."

Enki gave a soft smile as he hit the last part. "I figured that having backup is the plan."

"But... I could try specifically watching for physical weaknesses next time you spar someone who can keep up with you? Or I mean, I can't keep up, but I'd be willing to spar and see what I can spot even when you're holding back."

[aquawayfinder]

"I would appreciate. And we can spar if you want. One of the training exercises all Masters are supposed to demonstrate skill in is sliding scale sparring. Adjusting your own sparring so that you and your partner always spar as if evenly matched. Our Master sometimes would give us each separate secret codes to tell us how to adjust our fighting so he could watch how long it took the other to adjust. After all, sparring has many uses such as learning, improving, being a good work out... but one thing sparring should never be about is winning or losing."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Even a real fight isn't always about winning or losing. It depends on the situation." Enki shrugged. "That to say I know you can hold back enough to spar with me. I've seen you adjust your level when sparring others. I just don't know if I'll be able to spot weaknesses when you do. But I am certainly willing to try."

"I don't have a keyblade, and umm, I must have left my mek'leth in my tent, because I don't have that either. But I think there's some lightweight swords in with the sport equipment, or there's always hand to hand instead."

[aquawayfinder]

"We can borrow equipment, but we should do hand to hand as well. But being able to use anything as a weapon is a useful skill for defense.