Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[aquawayfinder]

"Somewhere between a board game and a physical one, though more strategy and luck than anything else. And the board is shaped by the hearts of those playing. When I play with other Keyblade students, the board looks a little like a blocky Keyblade with a charm. When I play with Cinderella, it looks like her glass slipper. The more people who play, and the more their experiences vary, the more convoluted the board can become. It can be fascinating to play with as many people as possible. And it draws from our hearts and experiences, and fragments of memories from past games can haunt current ones." Like a certain rotund figure who keeps showing up in her games on newer boards, sometimes as a force for questionable good, sometimes as one for questionable ill.

She chuckled a bit. "I'll take her leaps of logic over Roxas' leaps into danger any day. But if you want... I am willing to listen and help?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Leaps into danger would be easier to deal with," he said with a sigh. "At least then you know what the problem is and don't have to play 20 Questions trying to figure it out. But thanks; I'll probly take you up on that later."

"Right now, though, we're talking about fun stuff." He wasn't about to let her steer the topic back to Master Aqua stuff today. "Command Board sounds pretty cool, actually. Do we need anything special to set it up or just a big enough open space?"

[aquawayfinder]

"When Roxas jumps into a car speeding its way to a cliff while you already have a passenger on your glider, we'll se how easy you find them to deal with, friend," she said with a mildly rueful laugh.

"I have everything we need, I will admit I never tried it on a hub world."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea chuckled. "That sounds like something I would've done as a kid," he said. "Little me was kiiiinda an idiot. But in Roxas case, he probably had it handled; when it comes to fighting, I've learned that both he and Xion tend to know what they're doing if what they're doing seems a little crazy."

"Anyway, no time like the present. Let's finish our snack and give it a try."

[aquawayfinder]

"This was a race, not combat. The only danger was to the people in the car. And he jumped over because he thought it looked like fun," she said, dryly.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Ha! Sounds even more like something I'd have done as a kid then," Lea said. "And I know what you're going to say, but come on, are you really surprised? My Limit Break is literally just explosions. You really think I'd disapprove of something that's inherantly stupid but awesome?"

[aquawayfinder]

She actually groaned and put a face over her hand. "I miss talking to Xion." Clearly Xion, at the moment, was being seen as the reasonable member of the trio.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Look, you wouldn't be talking about it like this if it hadn't turned out OK," Lea pointed out. "Besides, have you seen or lives? A few dumb risks for the fun of it is hardly a drop in the ocean of danger and insanity."

[aquawayfinder]

"If life is already so dangerous, why willingly make it more so?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Because a little danger without the fate of the world at stake is fun," Lea said with a bit of a shrug. "It's the same reason that normal people do things like go skydiving or play extreme sports; the adrenaline rush feels good."

[aquawayfinder]

"There are plenty of safe ways to trigger endorphins, Lea. Danger is not fun, it is worrying."

[hotheadwarmheart]

"You mean it's not fun for you," he said. "Just because you like to play it safe doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way. I like doing things that are a bit risky. Roxas does too sometimes. There's nothing wrong with enjoying different things."

[aquawayfinder]

"There is nothing wrong with enjoying different things, generally," she said. It wasn't quite agreement. A sigh. "But Lea, how many people do you know that both enjoy risk as fun and... value their own lives as worth living?" she asked softly. She put a hand on his arm. "The people who want to keep you safe, who worry about you when you do dangerous things for fun... are people who love you. And wish you loved you more." That was both a broad you that included Roxas and a specific you that was just for Lea.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Wait, wait, hold up," he said. "You think I enjoy this kind of this as... I dunno, some kind of weird form of self-abuse or something? Seriously?" He actually laughed.

"Aqua, I've been an adrenaline junky since I was a kid. Taking dares, sneaking into places I wasn't supposed to be, running around, climbing on stuff and into odd places, jumping from inadvisable heights, getting into all kinds of mostly harmless trouble. It's not some weird kind of trauma induced coping mechanism or something. I'm just like that; always have been. Because I enjoy it. Got it memorized?"

[aquawayfinder]

For once she actually looked perplexed. Like he said something so outside of her understanding that she couldn't compute it. She really couldn't grasp how that could just... be fun for fun's sake. She understood taking risks because one needed to. And she understood people who didn't value themselves taking stupid needless risks. But dangerous just for fun as a core character trait...

This might be the first time that Aqua has shown any form of him this much utter bafflement.

[hotheadwarmheart]

Well that was a first. Seeing as he'd apparently left her speechless in confusion, he opted to roll with it. "Aqua have you ever hung out with normal, non-Keyblade wielding or otherwise super powered kids for any length of time?", he said. "Or just any normal people in general outside of these interdimensional kidnappings? Yes, for some people having a habit of risk taking is a sign of an actual problem, but for the most part it just shows that they enjoy it. The only difference with me- and Roxas too probably- and all those people on that front is that our lives are so wild that we have to up the ante to get the same effect."

"And kids get up to all kinds of crazy stuff, partly cause they don't know any better. A lot of the time they grow out of it, but then there's people like me who know things are a bit dangerous now and just enjoy doing them anyway. Though honestly if you think I'm bad about this kind of thing now, be glad you didn't know me as a kid. Frankly, little me was an idiot sometimes, and it's mostly thanks to Isa and vigilant parents that I only had two broken bones before I turned ten."

[aquawayfinder]

"I'm not sure I care for the word normal... but no, not as you seem to be using it. I have.. multiple sets of memories. For a while I was unsure which were real.. but now I know they all were. But in all of them... there was Master Eraquis, gathering us, teaching us, raising us. somethings, in all realities I remember... are always the same. And this..." she lifted a hand and a Keyblade appeared in her hand. "Has always been one of them." It vanished again. "And.. does that mean that you now need a friend here and now to be vigilant?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea chuckled. "Nah, I know my limits for the most part now," he said. "But when you're a kid, part of you always thinks you're immortal, no matter if you've had some kind of training or not. So you end up doing some stuff that makes you look back later and a go 'wow, what the heck was I thinking?'"

"Like this one time, my class went on a field trip to the city waterworks; you might've seen it yourself if you were running around Radiant Garden back then. Anyway, we're getting the standard educational tour, with the guide and teachers going on about how the place was constructed and how it works, then one of the other kids dared me to climb over the safety rail while the teacher's back was turned. You know that safety rail with over a hundred foot drop into a pit full of water and machinery on the other side? Yeah, little me who couldn't turn down a dare, actually started to climb over before Isa managed to talk me out of it."

[aquawayfinder]

"I think I am glad for this Isa..." she said, rubbing at her head. If nothing else, her time at Master Xavier's taught her about headaches that magic couldn't quite cure. And she felt one coming on.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Me too," Lea said, fondly if a bit distantly. "For a lot of reasons."

And rather than get into those, he tried to steer the conversation back to something of it's original topic. "Anyway, we got kinda off track with this. We were talking about maybe trying 'Command Board' right?"

[aquawayfinder]

She smiled at his tone and expression. But then smiled gently at his diversion. "Ah, were we?" she teased gently.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Well we were talking about stuff you do for fun, but that's the thing on the list that seemed the most fun to me too," he said. "So that was kinda what we settled on I thought."

[aquawayfinder]

"Alright. I would love to get to play again, and it is a fun way to help level up some of your less used Keyblade techniques and magical spells, just make sure to get some actual practice in after to cement it."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea fought the urge to roll his eyes. Of course she'd find a way to connect this to training somehow. But he kept that particular opinion to himself. "OK, so... can we do it right here, or do we need to go somewhere else to set it up?"

[aquawayfinder]

"We need a big open area," she said, "Let's try the tourney field. Should be enough space there."