Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded and sighed. "Well, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Even if I can't do more than that."

[aquawayfinder]

"Trust me, that is already a lot, my friend." She considered for a moment, then asked, "Have you ever seen someone working out with weights to try to become stronger?"

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded. "Ie, sort of? It wasn't something that really interested me, though. Why?"

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded. "Asking for a point, I promise. Okay, so if you were to see Roxas practicing with weights because he wanted to be as strong as Axel. If you see him struggling and you can carry the weight, you could lift it for him. That would help in the moment... but wouldn't help him get stronger. No matter how hard it is for him to lift the weights, you doing it for him because you don't want to see a friend struggle is... well meaning but doesn’t help him get stronger. On the other hand, though," she said gently, "You can sit with him while he works. Talk to him and encourage him. Make sure if he drops the weight, it doesn't crush him. You can save him by bing there with him, even if you can't take the weight away from him." She took a deep breath. "You sitting here, making sure the weight doesn't crush me mans a lot, helps a lot. But the weight itself is something I have to learn how to carry. I can't teach others how to handle their emotions if I shove my own off on someone else."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki furrowed his brow. "I get the analogy but it's... not entirely on base. I mean, well, uh, I might be able to take the emotions, I... wouldn't want to try that, but it seems possible, but that umm, it's not what I'm offering. This is more like umm, if Roxas was trying to move something too heavy for him, and I'm offering to help carry it, not take over, but just... help? Sharing the weight of emotions and struggles with friends is, well, it's part of handling them, right?"

[aquawayfinder]

"Except that as a Master I have to be able to carry my more difficult emotions myself. I can't find my Mastery outside myself. That... was what almost destroyed me when I was trapped in the Darkness. Without Ven and Terra... I started to give up. Without someone who needed me... it was too easy to stop... caring. To stop trying. But I'm no good to anyone... If I give up like that again. If it hadn't been for Link... I might not be here now..." she whispered. "I'm not sure he'll ever realize how much he saved me." She shook her head. "How am I supposed to help other people learn to stand on their own... if I can't do it myself?" she whispered.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki really wanted to argue this, he did, but he didn't have the words, or rather, the words he could think of might get her to clam up more. "I, I don't know. But, ie, I'll just be here, if you want to talk more, I'll listen, I can be a sounding board... even if I don't have advice."

[aquawayfinder]

She took his hand and kissed the back of it. "Thank you... my friend."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He gave a small smile and ducked his head, squeezing her hand. "You would do no less for me," he said softly.

[aquawayfinder]

"Of course," she said, gently.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded, falling silent to see if she chose to share more or just to stay silent herself.

[aquawayfinder]

She was quiet for a while, then she let go of his hand and started to slowly stand. "I... think I need to move around some," she admitted.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded, standing as well. "Would you rather be alone, or may I join you?" Look, he might not have a clue the correct approach, but he wasn't going to leave her alone like this if he could help it.

[aquawayfinder]

"You may join me of course, but I wasn't planning to leave. There is space enough here to do forms."

If Terra had been here she would have asked to spar, but sh wasn't going to push as hard as she felt sh needed to against anyone but him or her Master. Well, maybe the versions of Riku she'd met who was past the war. Someone she knew could not only meet her ferocity but could also heal themself, and frankly could put hr in the dirt if she needed to be stopped. Not that she'd needed that since she was like... twelve. But still. Sparring against Enki she'd either hold back and not go as hard as she needed or she risked really hurting him.

Perhaps for the first time she wished she could go somewhere either Heartless or Unversed for a while and just us this energy to do something good.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Huh... I thought you might want to do something more active than forms." He rubbed at the back of his neck and shrugged. "But... ie, sure." He gave a small smile, worry showing through in spite of his best efforts.

[aquawayfinder]

"I'm going to be doing different forms," she told him with a small smile. She stepped back and summoned her Keyblade. She stretched her arm out with it and made a slow full turn. "Stay more than three feet from the furthest point in the arc, please," she said, then crouched and got herself ready.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki nodded and stepped away as indicated. "This good?" He... wasn't sure what help he was just standing around while she practiced, but, better that than leaving her alone.

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded, took a breath and then launched herself into full sped combos, fighting imagined Unversed and showing a hint of how much further she is than the training she leads. Especially as she is winding magic in with her blows, going through including command styles, special movies, and finishers. She was a cut scene boss fight blur of motion, calling attacks occasionally, but sometimes moving in utter silence. While she could give more if she had to in actual combat, it was undeniable she was pushing herself now. Nothing like the forms she runs them through back at camp.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki mostly watched, curious to no small degree. He hadn't actually gotten the luxury of watching her any of the fights he'd been around her for. Speed was one thing, he was faster than he let on, so he got that he hadn't really seen it at this level from her before, but it wasn't just speed that made her dangerous. It was the mix of that, magic, and sheer skill. Though... he had to admit calling out attacks had him somewhat confused but... y'know.

But more than admiring it, that push showed the strain. And like everything else this conversation, worried him. Okay, what didn't worry him once he got it in his head to worry?

[aquawayfinder]

She kept going for about an hour. She slowed gradually to a stop, ending with a slower form she genrally gave them as a cool down that served as stretching as much as a fighting art at the cool down speed.

Then she wiped her face with a nanotech cloth that crawled its way out of her hand and vanished in the same manner. "That... helped," she said, rolling her shoulders. "It has been a while since I rally pushed like that." She smiled a bit at the pleasant burn in her muscles that said she stopped before going too far, but still got a good workout in.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"I'm glad it helped, at least for the moment." He considered quietly. "I'm not sure I've ever pushed myself like that unless I really had no choice. I just uh... that's not how I calm down, I guess?" It was an effort at small talk. Sort of. Better than saying he was still worried?

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a small chuckle. "We each calm down in different ways. For me, physical action helps me work through things often."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki gave a small nod. "Ie, makes sense." He paused and stared out at nothing really. "You're a good teacher, by the way. I umm, I just wanted to make sure I emphasized that."

[aquawayfinder]

She took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you," she said, softly.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He squeezed right back, offering a small smile. "If anything, watching you push yourself showed it? I mean like, I see the direction you're guiding and that you're making sure not too push too fast, which... would be easy to do."

He paused after that, uncertain. He wanted to ask about Rren, and that kind of led into it. But he uncertain if he should or if he was to close to that particular subject given that they'd blown up at him as well.