Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[hotheadwarmheart]

He sighed. She really wasn't getting it. "Look, what's the old saying? 'Physician, heal thyself' or something like that?", he said. "Basically, it means that wanting to help others is great and all, but you can't help anyone if you run yourself into the ground trying to be everything to everyone. And that's exactly what you're doing. You wouldn't have been curled up crying on a rooftop if you weren't."

"I'm glad to have Master Aqua around, someone who can show me the ropes of Keyblading and do all that other stuff you said. But just Aqua is more important, got it memorized? You don't have to account for every moment or justify taking time to yourself. You're allowed to let go sometimes. To just... be Aqua, and not feel guilty about it."

[aquawayfinder]

"This is me taking care of myself," she said softly. "Sometimes everyone needs some time to cry. But... I thank you. I appreciate this, I really do. I just..."

How was she supposed to be just Aqua when no one who knew her as just Aqua were here? Ven, Terra, her Master. The other kids on the Isle in that reality. But people here... they needed Master Aqua. Not.. just Aqua.

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea gave an annoyed sigh, resisting the urge to facepalm, but only just. "You just need to do the good and noble thing and sacrifice your own well being for the sake of others because clearly we deserve to have nice things much more than you," he said. "And you gotta give me that look. And before you ask 'what look', that look, that look that asks me to be understanding while you keep grinding on and grinding yourself down, because clearly that's what you, as the noble and heroic person that you are has to do. Am I getting warm?"

"Well here's a news flash for you; no you freaking don't. What you need to do is learn to freaking take care of yourself and stop being noble and self-sacrificing to the point of stupidity. I swear, all my friends seem to be like this, but unlike some others, I don't feel bad about giving you a metaphorical kick in the butt. No one needs you to martyr yourself by inches trying to live up to some arbitrary standard of Masterness. It's dumb, and I'm not gonna let you keep doing it because you're way too smart for that. Got it memorized, Aqua?"

[aquawayfinder]

"I am not trying to be heroic or noble, Lea," she said with a sigh. "I am trying to live up to my responsibilities. It isn't about anyone deserving more or less than anyone else. I got Enki and Rren and their friends dragged into the Keyblade war in our reality. And I became a Master, which makes training and aiding the Keyblade's chosen my responsibility as well. That the oath is based upon the expectation that there are other Masters actively teaching does not lessen what I promised to do. Then add to that that all of you are people I care about... Of course I am going to help. It is selfish, maybe to want to help one's friends, but that is an acceptable form of selfishness. Knowing the people I love are okay is self care. It takes worries off of me. So wanting to help you guys is for your sake, my sake, and because it is a responsibility all at the same time. I am not trying to martyr myself. I've done that before, I know the difference. And the standard I am trying to live up to is the one in my own heart, passed down to me from my Master when he was raising and training us. From a number of Masters I've known and respected."

And if she couldn't measure up... then maybe she really had been made a Master too soon... At the time she had been sure she was ready. Now... she was second guessing. Not that there was anything she could do about it at the moment.

[hotheadwarmheart]

Aqua really wasn't getting it apparently. "And wanting to be responsible is great and all," Lea said. "But be honest with me: when was the last time you actually took a break? And I don't mean went to bed or had a meal- because you're at least good on that front, unlike some people who are definitely old enough to know better-, I mean did something to just relax or have fun? No attempting to turn it into training or a Keyblade lesson or something, just straight up relaxing and goofing off."

[aquawayfinder]

"Today is a day off. And when we go to the various events here," she pointed out. "I had fun at the coronation, after all."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea would have bet any munny that most of the conversations she'd had at the coronation still involved work. But as he had no proof, he had to let that one go. "Alright if this is a day off, then we're gonna do something just for fun," he said. "And you're gonna pick what it is. So tell me, what do you usually do for fun? Video games? Board games? Reading? Interpretive dance?" A genuine question, and a challenge to her narrative. Could she even name something she did purely for fun?

[aquawayfinder]

"I somehow suspect that a lot of the thing I consider fun you would disagree about. Though reading does seem to be on both lists," she said with a small smile.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"You might be surprised," Lea said. "What kinds of things do you like to read? And what other stuff is on your list?"

[aquawayfinder]

"I like to read philosophy and history mostly. I've been to so many worlds at this point... I rarely have time to get to know them as well as I'd like. But those two subjects can give a lot of insight. I also enjoy Command Board, jogging, sparring, meditation. And spending time with Ven and Terra, of course." She missed them so much. "Any of my friends, really. But there is something different about spending time with the two of them."

She considered for a moment before she had words for it. Most of my friends... I am a moment in your lives. I love all of you and we are always connected. But you all had full lives before you met me, and your lives will continue when we part ways. We can visit each other, and I hope we will. We'll always be part of each other. Always be connected. But the space I have in your hearts... It is different than the space I have in theirs. Being with all of you is like a wonderful vacation in the best hotels. Lots of fun and wonderful memories and comfort and joy. Being with Terra and Ven... is more like coming home. Where the chair is exactly where you like it and everything is just comfortable and warm." A small tear rolled down her face. "I don't know how better to say it. But an hour of listening to the two of them goofing around while I do some stretches is so much more restful and wonderful to me than a good meal and a full night's sleep."

She shook her head. "But none of that helps for now. So fun for now, I guess... would be a light jog, sparring, then meditation."

Of course that was the other difference. She knew how strong they were, how hard she could go in training. Not all out, of course. But she didn't have to hold back as much with them as she did with some other friends. Okay, so she held back with Ven som but that was instinctive. He was her baby brother. And what she lost by holding back more, she gained by getting to watch him progress and grow.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"'Command Board'?", Lea repeated, curious. "What's that? Some kind of game?" That's the only thing he could think of tat it might be anyway.

His expression softened at how she described being with Terra and Ven, though. "Yeah, I get that. Being with Xion, Roxas, and Isa is like that for me. Though with Isa it's a bit different than it is with Xion and Roxas. Not less, just..." He trailed off a bit, trying to put the feeling into words. "Roxas and Xion are like my kid brother and sister at this point basically. But when I think about Isa, I can't picture him as a brother. It's more... intense, I guess is the word? More active. Where how I feel about Roxas and Xion is steadier and more passive."

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded. "It is a game and training in one, and something Terra, Ven, and I play often. Or did when we were all together."

She gave him a warm smile. "For all the languages we can learn, and all the magical translation available, somethings defy being put into words, they can only be felt. Only be shared by connection."

And she certainly knew all about adopting kid siblings, didn't she?

[hotheadwarmheart]

"How does it work?", Lea said, referring to Command Board. "Is it a board game? A video game? Or something more physical, like a sport?"

At that Lea looked more thoughtful. "The problem is though, I need to figure out how to put it into word because I just know Roxas and Xion are gonna ask someday and I don't want them to get the wrong idea. Especially Xion; she makes the weirdest leaps in logic sometimes and worries over pretty much everything."

[aquawayfinder]

"Somewhere between a board game and a physical one, though more strategy and luck than anything else. And the board is shaped by the hearts of those playing. When I play with other Keyblade students, the board looks a little like a blocky Keyblade with a charm. When I play with Cinderella, it looks like her glass slipper. The more people who play, and the more their experiences vary, the more convoluted the board can become. It can be fascinating to play with as many people as possible. And it draws from our hearts and experiences, and fragments of memories from past games can haunt current ones." Like a certain rotund figure who keeps showing up in her games on newer boards, sometimes as a force for questionable good, sometimes as one for questionable ill.

She chuckled a bit. "I'll take her leaps of logic over Roxas' leaps into danger any day. But if you want... I am willing to listen and help?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Leaps into danger would be easier to deal with," he said with a sigh. "At least then you know what the problem is and don't have to play 20 Questions trying to figure it out. But thanks; I'll probly take you up on that later."

"Right now, though, we're talking about fun stuff." He wasn't about to let her steer the topic back to Master Aqua stuff today. "Command Board sounds pretty cool, actually. Do we need anything special to set it up or just a big enough open space?"

[aquawayfinder]

"When Roxas jumps into a car speeding its way to a cliff while you already have a passenger on your glider, we'll se how easy you find them to deal with, friend," she said with a mildly rueful laugh.

"I have everything we need, I will admit I never tried it on a hub world."

[hotheadwarmheart]

Lea chuckled. "That sounds like something I would've done as a kid," he said. "Little me was kiiiinda an idiot. But in Roxas case, he probably had it handled; when it comes to fighting, I've learned that both he and Xion tend to know what they're doing if what they're doing seems a little crazy."

"Anyway, no time like the present. Let's finish our snack and give it a try."

[aquawayfinder]

"This was a race, not combat. The only danger was to the people in the car. And he jumped over because he thought it looked like fun," she said, dryly.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Ha! Sounds even more like something I'd have done as a kid then," Lea said. "And I know what you're going to say, but come on, are you really surprised? My Limit Break is literally just explosions. You really think I'd disapprove of something that's inherantly stupid but awesome?"

[aquawayfinder]

She actually groaned and put a face over her hand. "I miss talking to Xion." Clearly Xion, at the moment, was being seen as the reasonable member of the trio.

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Look, you wouldn't be talking about it like this if it hadn't turned out OK," Lea pointed out. "Besides, have you seen or lives? A few dumb risks for the fun of it is hardly a drop in the ocean of danger and insanity."

[aquawayfinder]

"If life is already so dangerous, why willingly make it more so?"

[hotheadwarmheart]

"Because a little danger without the fate of the world at stake is fun," Lea said with a bit of a shrug. "It's the same reason that normal people do things like go skydiving or play extreme sports; the adrenaline rush feels good."

[aquawayfinder]

"There are plenty of safe ways to trigger endorphins, Lea. Danger is not fun, it is worrying."

[hotheadwarmheart]

"You mean it's not fun for you," he said. "Just because you like to play it safe doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way. I like doing things that are a bit risky. Roxas does too sometimes. There's nothing wrong with enjoying different things."