Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[queen_butterfly]

"Then the first step may be to convince them. Which... depending on the student...." She hesitated, some look of amusement in her eyes. "...Well, how one may convince them could prove interesting. Catch them when they're distracted and don't realize they have done it? ...Or depending on what it is, do it for them, and then let them try to repeat it?"

[aquawayfinder]

"Both tried and true, but in this case... I think the first would break trust and the second... Let's just say it doesn't quite apply in this case."

[queen_butterfly]

"...I suspect I'd have better advice if I knew what the situation actually was." She wasn't going to push for it, though. She closed her eyes halfway again, clasping her hands in front of her, and the shadows around them darkened a little once more. She was still peeking up at Aqua, still listening and present, but was half-absently returning to gathering the sun's energy as she did.

[aquawayfinder]

"I am not sure how to share it without breaking confidences," she said softly. "But thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

A nod, not pressing it, and half-closed her eyes again as she drew in another deep, slow breath, the shadows darkening again as she pulled in more energy. She'd just be adding to that tiny bead, until either it held as much as she could pour into it... which only seemed to take another moment, really, and then she offered it to Aqua, shining more deeply, somehow, though not much more brightly, than when she'd originally displayed the infusion to her.

"A hint of sun, then, for troubles that cast dark shadows?"

[aquawayfinder]

"A gift of light from a friend is always welcome. Thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

"But of course." She handed it over easily. It was quite small -- only a little bead, something that was meant to be part of a bracelet or necklace, perhaps. "I'd be happy to collect more, but I've yet to find suitable vessels of any real consideration for it."

A silent sigh to herself, and an almost sheepish smile to Aqua. "If you should happen to come across a solid crystal of any significant size and happen to think of me, I would most greatly appreciate it. Or find some jewel amongst your own collection you'd like a bit added to, even...?"

Yep, that sure was an offer to turn a pendant or something into an MP-refill item for her....

[aquawayfinder]

"I will keep my eyes open. You might want to work together with Lea on a project, you know." She took the bead with a nod of thanks. Perhaps... Perhaps once they rescued everyone from the Isle and got to spend some time on the beach they could all make Wayfinders together...

[queen_butterfly]

"Oh?" Maybe if she elaborated....?

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a warm smile and leaned back a bit. "You'll enjoy the answer more if you find it by talking to him, rather than asking me, I suspect."

[queen_butterfly]

She nodded a little. "I'll try to remember, then, should I come across him. What might he look like?" They may not have been in the biggest of places, but she'd kept herself occupied, so she hadn't been as much of a (social) butterfly as she may otherwise have been....

[aquawayfinder]

"Hard to miss. Tall, slender, flame red hair. A very good friend."

[queen_butterfly]

"Hmmm. I'll keep watch for him." She was quiet another second. "If I might inquire... how was it that you learned magic?"

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a small smile and leaned back. "I guess that depends on which set of memories you're asking about."

[queen_butterfly]

Well, that plainly confused her a bit. "....As far as I'm aware, a human with no fae ties learning to wield it is a rarity."

So, less an inquiry into the actual events, and more into the how behind it.

[aquawayfinder]

"That varies from world to world. In most of my sets of memories, I was born with the potential and my teacher took me in. In one set however... only some people could, and who they were was an unknown until their teens generally. There were some who considered us less than human, some who considered us more. Some who just saw us as other. Our very existence in that world was a point of conflict."

Thankfully she was mature enough not to feel stung by the emphasis on human. Sh had a feeling it would have upset a number of her students.

[queen_butterfly]

"Simply one of those rare individuals, then...." She shifted, leaning on her knee, chin on her hand. "Though... my condolences, on where such a thing has been a point of contention." That quiet in her tone... she'd probably seen plenty of that herself.

"I don't suppose you'd be in favor of meeting sometime, to... simply compare what we know, of what we can do? Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from one another?" Magic info exchange, why not? It wasn't outright "training" of the sort Aqua might be used to, but since when did comparing notes have a downside, exactly?

[aquawayfinder]

"Actually, I would quite enjoy that, my friend."

[queen_butterfly]

Mallia smiled a little more, shifting slightly as she sat there, leaning forward, her weight effectively on her knee, over one of her feet. Perhaps she should add yoga to the list of things she did do, of possible exercises, for having apparently no trouble sitting like that? But the subtle move seemed to prompt an adjustment of, of all things, the cape that ran down from the back of the top of her dress. If it was the breeze that adjusted that fabric, lifted it slightly around her to spread it better, it was a wind of her own making. Which it wasn't; not only was there no breeze for Aqua to feel yet, but the way it lifted from closer to her back was more suggestive of wings than anything... except that after it'd lifted and dropped back into place, having shifted position again, it draped as heavily as ever, the same limp fabric as the rest of her clothes were made of.

Meanwhile, rather than another tiny bead in her hand, she pulled out a small corked vial of water, probably borrowed from a classroom for chemistry or potions or something of the sort, from... who knew where she'd been holding it. Her outfit certainly didn't seem to have any obvious pockets....

"Whenever you'd like, then...." She rolled the clear finger-sized thing in her hand, and closed it around it, drawing a deep breath. She was focusing again, for all that she seemed so relaxed. That note of chill returned to the air around her, the shadows deepening, colors fading. It was obvious what she was doing now, stealing away the influence of the sun from the area just around her, and if Aqua watched closely, she might even catch sight of a faint sparkle of frost collecting on the rooftop, in the few yards around the purple hems of Mallia's spread-out clothing. That was probably why she wasn't looking to do this out in one of the gardens.

But the vial in her hand, held at that angle... Aqua could see the clear bottom of it, and the glow was barely there, if it was there at all. It was going to take a bit, before there were any visible results, honestly.

"...I presume you'll let me know?" She may have been focusing on gathering and storing energy, but she wasn't at all dead to the world.

[aquawayfinder]

Aqua nodded, watching her. "I will. Though most days between dinner and my night time stretches I should be available."

[queen_butterfly]

Mallia nodded, it almost seeming an absent movement as she focused on her energy shenanigans. "I've been spending most evenings lately out at the barrier. ....I was thinking about what you said, back when we met. I don't know that I've found anything so far... but I've been looking."

[aquawayfinder]

"Want to discuss the journey thus far?"

[queen_butterfly]

"If you'd like... what of events did you have in mind?" What, a recounting of what objects she'd found among the piles of them so far? A discussion of how many times she'd searched various places, and in what form? She peeked back up again, eyes still about half closed, the chill in the air creeping around as it fell against the rooftop surface.

[aquawayfinder]

"What touched you the most, what meant the most to you."

[queen_butterfly]

"'The most'?" She paused, frowning a little as she tried to figure out how to respond to that. "I'm not sure I could say. I've lived quite a long time. And I had tried to retire, at one point...."