Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[queen_butterfly]

Mallia nodded, it almost seeming an absent movement as she focused on her energy shenanigans. "I've been spending most evenings lately out at the barrier. ....I was thinking about what you said, back when we met. I don't know that I've found anything so far... but I've been looking."

[aquawayfinder]

"Want to discuss the journey thus far?"

[queen_butterfly]

"If you'd like... what of events did you have in mind?" What, a recounting of what objects she'd found among the piles of them so far? A discussion of how many times she'd searched various places, and in what form? She peeked back up again, eyes still about half closed, the chill in the air creeping around as it fell against the rooftop surface.

[aquawayfinder]

"What touched you the most, what meant the most to you."

[queen_butterfly]

"'The most'?" She paused, frowning a little as she tried to figure out how to respond to that. "I'm not sure I could say. I've lived quite a long time. And I had tried to retire, at one point...."

[aquawayfinder]

She chuckled. "I meant since that discussion."

[queen_butterfly]

"Ah... I'm not certain. I honestly haven't been trying to pay all that much attention to the objects themselves, so much as the spaces between them. Or, I suppose, the lack thereof." She made a little bit of a face briefly: frustration? concern? disapproval? annoyance? "I'm starting to think what this different angle needs is a different angle of its own -- a change in perspective. I think next time, I shall try a different vantage point, some other eye level. I'm not ready to say that this isn't a solution yet. If nothing else, perhaps we could find a way to build a bridge over some part of it that's stable. The damage to anything under it could be kept quite minimal, perhaps not even a bit of dirt on it, depending on what we build over and how...." She frowned more, absently tapping a finger of one hand as she clutched the little vial.

"But I do wholly believe that everyone focusing all efforts on clearing a single direct path, to the exclusion of even considering other options, may indeed be folly."

So she wasn't just taking a simple look around, she was taking very careful looks around, and brainstorming other potential alternative methods of escape while she was at it....

[aquawayfinder]

"You might be right. However, the situation being what it is, I can understand the desire to try to find a straightforward path."

[queen_butterfly]

"As can I. And perhaps it will yet prove the only viable way... but thinking it so before it is proven is an easy trap to fall into. And people are focused on it as it is; I've seen the headway being made... so the least I can do is try to explore what others aren't.

"What if?"

Maaaaaybe that vial was starting to glow just a little? Enough to be more easily seen inside her hands, anyway.

[aquawayfinder]

"Would you like some help with that?"

[queen_butterfly]

"If you'd like to join me at the strange 'hedge', I wouldn't say no. We can always chat while we note places not to bother looking further." That bit of a smile said it was at least half a joke; if they didn't find a way out as they visited, then they wouldn't be having a lack of success, so much as having a pleasant time while building onto their efforts at narrowing down where possible success was to be had, after all!

[aquawayfinder]

"That sounds like a good idea. I'd be happy to. Maybe starting tomorrow night after dinner?"

[queen_butterfly]

A nod. "I think I left off... hmmm... where was it...?" She sat up a little straighter, glancing around as though she could point it out from where she sat. Which she plainly couldn't; it only took her a brief moment to dismiss that idea with a subtle head-shake and bring a hand away from the little bottle, gesturing to a spot beside them as she threw up an image for Aqua. It certainly worked, to illustrate what things Mallia was keeping in mind, to find her spot again. There was the barrier, in mostly very little detail, but then a particular tree in it was shown in great clarity, as was a sled near it, and what was probably actually a few yards in front of it, a yardstick was sticking up from the lawn, a ribbon tied to the end of it, some sort of makeshift little flag. It wasn't a photo... but it ought to be enough to find the spot she'd meant.

"It's between the school and the castle, on the northwest side of the barrier."

[aquawayfinder]

"Alright, I'll meet you there tomorrow evening then."

[queen_butterfly]

She nodded. "I shouldn't be too very difficult to find. If I've moved along from that part, I'll be keeping the wall of things on my left." A little smile, absently dismissing the illustration thereof again. "Who knows... perhaps if I don't find a way through, I'll at least find something more suitable than small beads and water, for this?" She looked back down to the little vial, opening her hand; it was barely glowing. She sighed and held it more firmly again, half closing her eyes as the shadows around them quickly grew darker.

"At any rate, I look forward to it."

Good place to wrap?

[aquawayfinder]

"I look forward to it as well, my friend."