Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[queen_butterfly]

A little nod again, and she glanced about the rooftop, unsure if she should leave and give Aqua her privacy back, or if she'd appreciate some company for a while still. So, logically, she may as well ask her.

"In the meanwhile... I don't suppose you've any suggestions for a place in which I might steal some sunlight for a while? I'm reluctant to do so in the garden; I don't wish to compete with the plants."

[aquawayfinder]

"I am pretty sure sunlight in this world doesn't work in such a way that sitting near plants to draw sun yourself takes any away from them," she said, trying to be reassuring.

Look she's seen weirder than a world where sunlight reacts to the gravitational pull of individuals.

[queen_butterfly]

"Nor does it where I hail from; I was doing a bit more than simply sitting, if I'm honest...."

Like, oh, being an energy sponge of sorts....

[aquawayfinder]

"Perhaps up here on the roof then?"

[queen_butterfly]

She hesitated... she had been trying to ask in a more sideways fashion, but she rather suspected that the other lady might've been interpreting it as a problem to solve, the way that that was phrased.

"To be clear... do you want company, quiet or otherwise? Because there are other rooftops, if you'd rather not."

[aquawayfinder]

"Ah, my apologies. I would not mind, thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

A little nod, and she moved, getting into a position where she could sit with her back to the rest of the rooftop. It looked for a moment as though the nonexistent breeze was lifting the loose fabric that hung down behind her, that odd little cape attached to her dress... but the way it spread out around her didn't exactly follow. Maybe it was just how she'd moved, that spread it out, like when one shook a sheet over a bed, but done more subtly?

Or magic, for whatever reason she'd done it. Probably magic.

Also likely magic-related, the way the shadows deepened around them as she drew a long, slow breath, relaxing there. For all that she claimed she didn't exactly meditate... maybe she was defining it a bit differently?

It would take a moment, but the air did seem to finally move just a little, a faint trace of a lower temperature, barely noticeable, sliding past them on the roof's surface. If she were drawing heat energy from the environment, not just energy from the light, she was still holding back on how much she was taking all at once... but maybe it explained why she was hesitant to take it from somewhere greener?

Then again, how often did making things darker and colder ever hint at good things, in Aqua's experience? But different worlds... it was a puzzle, surely.

[aquawayfinder]

Different worlds indeed. If she was just from one set of her memories she might have become concerned rather than alertly aware. But one could only spend so much time with Henry McCoy without learning that who a person is matters more than instant impressions or instinct. And nothing about Malia has ever given her cause for concern, never made her think Malia might be evil. But she would be alert. In case this wasn't Malia's doing. Or it was an she was doing too much...

[queen_butterfly]

She peeked up a little, after a bit of a pause, meeting Aqua's gaze. Softly, "It's long been a saying... something of a joke, I suppose... but did you know that it is possible to bottle lightning?"

She took another deep breath, and lifted her hands, putting them together. The shadows she was somehow affecting grew darker still, and another whisper of cool air slid away from where she sat.

"And sunlight, as well," she continued, "which must do, as I've seen no lightning here from which to drink...."

So it seemed to be confirmed, then, that she was pulling in the light and heat from around her. A beat passed, and then the shadows lessened a bit as she quit drawing it all in so much. The colors seemed a little brighter again, their waning only notable once it had so swiftly ceased. "But it's easier, I admit, when I have a proper vessel for it."

She lowered her hands and held them out to Aqua, cupping something within them now, a small sparkling thing, tiny and delicate, giving off some little light of its own, little motes of sunlight that had become... what, exactly, a bead? Mallia moved a hand, rolling it into the palm of the other. "Do you use magic yourself, perchance?"

[aquawayfinder]

A small smile as she summoned her nanotech Keyblade, the one that wasn't quit magic, into her hand. "Yes, on all counts," she said. "On ability I have, that I have found no others who share it, is that I can store powers used against me. One in here," her free hand touched her chest over the heart. "And a few more in here," she lifted the weapon. "Including, at one point, lightning."

[queen_butterfly]

Ah, right... how had that slipped her mind, that she could conjure that... item, whatever it was? But she looked so human, her colors aside...! Mallia made a mental note to ask her friend, when she got back home eventually, if he'd ever encountered, or heard from a reliable source, of an otherwise ordinary human who could use magic as they did. Had she simply been so unlucky as to never have come across any so talented herself, or were they seemingly nonexistent, as she'd thought, and this young lady was simply exceptional?

She nodded, smiling a little more, and offered over the subtly luminous little shape. "I've tried teaching other fae how to drink in the power around them... but the results have been mixed, at best. One is more likely to be *hurt* by lightning, than made to feel more alive. So I take it in for them, that they might yet make use of it."

So she was offering a bead of captured sunshine? It would potentially explain the darkness and chill, if it was due to her pulling in and soaking up those aspects of the energy around them, to reform it into that pretty little jewel, wouldn't it?

[aquawayfinder]

"Some skills cannot be learned by other people, no matter how much we may wish to teach it to them. It is up to us as teachers to find the skills they do have and nurture those instead of trying to force ours on them," she said, wincing even as she did.

There had to be a better way to help Rren protect themself... there had to be...

[queen_butterfly]

"It can be most terribly tricky," she said, seemingly agreeing readily enough, quiet though she was, "to figure out which is which reliably and with certainty... whether a thing can be taught, or learned by one... or whether it would be preferable to spend those efforts elsewhere.

"But I've found that it's quite often correct to simply listen to one's student, in those instances. They may be mistaken, of course... but one ordinarily cannot accomplish what they've already determined they cannot, until either they've changed their minds, or forgotten that they'd declined such success.

"Or at least, that tends to be the rule, among my people...."

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded a bit. "It can be frustrating when you know a student can do something, but their own certainty that they cannot makes it so."

[queen_butterfly]

"Then the first step may be to convince them. Which... depending on the student...." She hesitated, some look of amusement in her eyes. "...Well, how one may convince them could prove interesting. Catch them when they're distracted and don't realize they have done it? ...Or depending on what it is, do it for them, and then let them try to repeat it?"

[aquawayfinder]

"Both tried and true, but in this case... I think the first would break trust and the second... Let's just say it doesn't quite apply in this case."

[queen_butterfly]

"...I suspect I'd have better advice if I knew what the situation actually was." She wasn't going to push for it, though. She closed her eyes halfway again, clasping her hands in front of her, and the shadows around them darkened a little once more. She was still peeking up at Aqua, still listening and present, but was half-absently returning to gathering the sun's energy as she did.

[aquawayfinder]

"I am not sure how to share it without breaking confidences," she said softly. "But thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

A nod, not pressing it, and half-closed her eyes again as she drew in another deep, slow breath, the shadows darkening again as she pulled in more energy. She'd just be adding to that tiny bead, until either it held as much as she could pour into it... which only seemed to take another moment, really, and then she offered it to Aqua, shining more deeply, somehow, though not much more brightly, than when she'd originally displayed the infusion to her.

"A hint of sun, then, for troubles that cast dark shadows?"

[aquawayfinder]

"A gift of light from a friend is always welcome. Thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

"But of course." She handed it over easily. It was quite small -- only a little bead, something that was meant to be part of a bracelet or necklace, perhaps. "I'd be happy to collect more, but I've yet to find suitable vessels of any real consideration for it."

A silent sigh to herself, and an almost sheepish smile to Aqua. "If you should happen to come across a solid crystal of any significant size and happen to think of me, I would most greatly appreciate it. Or find some jewel amongst your own collection you'd like a bit added to, even...?"

Yep, that sure was an offer to turn a pendant or something into an MP-refill item for her....

[aquawayfinder]

"I will keep my eyes open. You might want to work together with Lea on a project, you know." She took the bead with a nod of thanks. Perhaps... Perhaps once they rescued everyone from the Isle and got to spend some time on the beach they could all make Wayfinders together...

[queen_butterfly]

"Oh?" Maybe if she elaborated....?

[aquawayfinder]

She gave a warm smile and leaned back a bit. "You'll enjoy the answer more if you find it by talking to him, rather than asking me, I suspect."

[queen_butterfly]

She nodded a little. "I'll try to remember, then, should I come across him. What might he look like?" They may not have been in the biggest of places, but she'd kept herself occupied, so she hadn't been as much of a (social) butterfly as she may otherwise have been....