Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Aqua... hey. I am fine. I will be fine. And how many times have you helped me? Please, let me return the favor. Talk to me."

[aquawayfinder]

She hesitated. "You promise to tell me if it becomes too much? To be honest about that with both me... and yourself?"

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He squeezed her shoulder. "Ie. You have my word."

And this... was part of why he cared so much about her. Not many would have trusted the word of a Rihanha back home, including other Rihannsu.

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded and gathered her thoughts. "It... it isn't just on thing," she said, finally. "It is a lot of different things coming together..." A deep breath and she pulled herself aside a bit. Not to pull away, but more... to change positions so that she wasn't contorted in the same way. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her arms across the tops, looking at him as she spoke.

He mentioned her being tired, so that made as good a starting point as anywhere. She took a breath and then started. "Master Eraqus took me in when I was so young I don't remember anything from before. He and Terra were my whole world in multiple sets of my memories. And then Ven when he came to us. We trained, we learned about other worlds of course, we traveled where it was safe to travel, but we were each other's constants. And... I miss them," she said softly, a tear rolling.

"I... I keep finding versions of them... but they have their own Aqua. And if I stay she and I will merge into each other. I'll absorb her or she'll absorb me. So I can never stay. Somewhere out there..." her eyes misted again and the tears escaped and rolled.

"There is a world I haven't been able to find again. One where I was the only Aqua. Ven and Terra... they escaped through time with a bunch of other students. One of them had the power to make passages through time. In that set of memories it wasn't just us. Our home was a hug community. When we were attacked... I had just been made Master. Terra ha failed and Ven was next in line to try. They were the most senior non-Masters. Our Master ordered them..." She swallowed and faced honestly something that still cut to this day "ordered us... to get the younger students to safety. They were to hide in time, come back when it was safe. But the student... He didn't have good control, we didn't know when they'd return. I'm sure I'd be able to find them if they had... When they do..."

She closed her eyes.

"I was supposed to go with them. But all the other Masters were fighting. I... joined the fight. I haven't seen them since," she whispered. "They're lost somewhere in time, in a world... a reality... I can't find again. No matter how hard I try."

Which was why sh couldn't just merge with another Aqua somewhere. She couldn't abandon the Ven and Terra lost in time, who only had her.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Aqua... you can't keep doing this to yourself," he said gently. "At some point, you have to... certainly not let them go, but hold them in your heart, and trust that connection is enough for all three of you." He put a hand to his chest, lower down than a Terrhain heart, he knew, but he hoped she got the gist. "I get continuing to try, I do. It's hard, that... not knowing. Believe me, I get it, more than most, I get it."

He paused a long moment, considering carefully before he spoke. "But if roles were reversed and you knew, say, Ven was alone out there, tearing himself apart trying to find you and Terra and to help everyone else he found along the way. If you knew he had to leave every friend he made behind trying to find you. Would you want him to spend his whole life doing that?"

All this while he carefully kept his shields up. Getting some of her emotions might be one thing, but he'd promised he would let her know if it was too much, and if he got them all, that would come far too fast for him to be much help.

[aquawayfinder]

"That's different and you know it. Ven... that Ven... he's not a Master yet. He's still a kid. And I'm not tearing myself apart," she said gently. A deep breath. "But if I did merge with another me, and we shared her place... what happens when Terra and Ven and the others do come back? I can't abandon them, or the new world I'll have found. But I can't have both."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki sighed. "Aqua, I wasn't talking about the Ven I don't know, I'm talking about the one I do. The one who you know is ready for Mastery, or at least is close." He shook his head then. "But the thing is, even if you haven't been tearing yourself apart, you're putting your life, your well-being on hold. You can't let yourself settle down based on a what if, and every attachment you form you do knowing you'll have to leave them. And... from what I can tell you won't let yourself grieve, because it feels like you are giving up on your friends, your family."

"I'm not saying you have to stay here, or merge with another Aqua, or even stop travelling. But I um... I think you need to actually take a moment and grieve. Because even if you reach them again, you have all the time that was lost already and that will be until then. Grieving isn't giving up, just acknowledging something valuable has been lost."

[aquawayfinder]

She looked at him, startled for a moment. Then a small sad smile as she shook her head. "I guess my shields are stronger than I realized," she said softly, then looked at Enki. "I don't think I've ever fully stopped grieving," she whispered. Every version of me lost our Master. Every version of me last Terra and Ven in one way or another. I've spent years in the Darkness at the edge of giving up..." She put her hands over face, shaking. She swallowed hard. "If not for Link I... would not have made it this far. But even working with him, even with everything.... There isn't a day I'm not grieving for those I've lost. Those I failed. Those who I may find again but knowing it will never be the same. Knowing that if I had done as My Master said that I'd still be with Terra and Ven, but I wouldn't have been there to help or meet any of the rest of you."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki rubbed at the back of his neck. "I uh, I'm making a point to shield too, because I am trying not to get tangled up while talking because I promised I would tell you if it was too much, and I want to help." He sighed then. "So umm, I guess I was off base on that part, maybe because most of what I instinctively want to say doesn't apply. Not with how you have been traveling."

He paused then, quietly mulling over a thought he was scared would sound selfish. "I do think, you maybe should keep open to the possibility of settling down somewhere if a place does speak to you. I... don't think it means you'd be abandoning them to do that. I'm not saying settle down immediately. Really. Just that... You were tired when we met. That... hasn't gotten better."

[aquawayfinder]

"I'm not sure I can settle somewhere," she said softly. I try sometimes, but unless it is somewhere like here... where I have no choice... It never lasts long..." she whispered.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He put a hand on her arm gently. "It's no wonder you're worn out. So, maybe focus on what you can do now, and that's take more advantage of being here. I mean. There are problems, obviously, but, more time off, not just from training us, but your own exercises. Like... not just when it feels like you need it, but regularly."

[aquawayfinder]

"If anything, speaking to Mallia reminded me that I should be doing more here to help, actually." Besides taking more breaks would set a bad example.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki really wanted to rub at his forehead. "If you feel that, then you need to train and exercise less to make up for it."

[aquawayfinder]

She kissed his cheek lightly. It seemed better than pointing out that they both knew that was never going to happen...

[under_the_raptors_wings]

He knew what that meant. Which just meant she'd burn herself out again. "So umm, you said it was more than one thing?"

[aquawayfinder]

Sh gave a small chuckle. "You are beginning to remind me of Roj," she teased gently to deflect.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"You flatter me, but umm... we both no that Roj is far wiser than I am. So. Talk to me."

[aquawayfinder]

She sighed and closed her eyes. "I don't seem to be able to help Lea the way a Master should be able to. I am never sure if I am pushing you all too hard or not hard enough. I don't have another Master here to compare notes with, someone else who knows what the training is supposed to look like to get advice from. Even back where we were, the only other Masters being Master Yen Sid who retired and Master Xehanort..." She closed her eyes. "I never imagined, while training, that I'd ever be the only Master. If I fail... if I can't properly train other Masters... all that learning is just... lost..." she whispered.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Knowledge, learning.. they aren't lost." He put an arm around her shoulders again. "You have never pushed any of us nearly as hard as you push yourself... and while maybe you do push too hard at times, you push yourself too hard even more often." He was quiet a moment. "And I mean, haven't you helped others with it before? And whenever he makes it back home, won't Lea have others to help further? It... it's not all on you. Aqua."

[aquawayfinder]

"They are lost if they can't be passed down. I'm good, Enki, but I'm not invincible, not Immortal. If I die and there are no other Masters..." She closed her eyes. If it came to that then she failed. Everyone.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"The point I'm making is it's not just on you. Even a retired master can help teach. And you've made it clear you think the Ven we left is close. Now... you are taking responsibility for every other version of you out there. You've left other masters behind in other realities, you've said as much. How much did you help any of them? If any, then you've already succeeded. Aqua. You can't keep taking so much responsibility that isn't yours. It's going to kill you."

[aquawayfinder]

"If it isn't mine, whose is it? And we both know Master Yn Sid isn't teaching any more. If he was, Lea would have had someone helping him see his own value."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Maybe he's trying and maybe Lea just hasn't had the time to get past what he's been through. But also. In his reality there is another version of you. In the reality we just left there is yet another. And Ven is close to ready. You are taking up the mantle of these other versions of you, over and over and over, and then you are adding more on top of it. Eventually you will fail. Of course you will. No one can succeed every time."

[aquawayfinder]

"But it is try and know I'll fail... or just not try. Not help. I can't turn a blind eye when people need my help, Enki. I can't. I won't."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"I'm not saying that. I'm saying you're pushing yourself too hard, and you are missing the ways you could lighten that load." He winced even as he said it, ie that sounded harsher than he'd planned. And yet he wasn't done. "And you're missing the good you've already done out of fear of failure."