Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[aquawayfinder]

She pushed herself to sit up and wiped at her face. "I'm sorry, Enki. I should hav waited until after training. I didn't mean to put off helping you."

She had just... really needed some time. But if Enki needed her, that could wait.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki pulled her into a hug as soon as she sat up. "No. I'm here for you, not me," he said softly. He didn't hold her tightly, and would release entirely if she pulled away. But he wasn't about to let her make this about someone other than her. Not right now.

[aquawayfinder]

She returned the hug. "Thank you," she said softly, letting her face rest against his shoulder.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki would hold onto her until she chose to pull away, but he did break into the quiet after a bit. "I'm here, Aqua. Whatever you need."

[aquawayfinder]

"Thank you, Enki. That helps. Thank you."

Though it also brought a wave of guilt that she was just a moment too slow to close her shields around. Which of course made her feel guiltier. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on rebuilding her shields.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Stop," Enki said softly pulling her away just enough to meet her eyes. It was, possibly, the firmest he'd sounded since she met him, but then softened immediately. "Please. Sometimes... it's best to let your feelings out. Don't worry about me."

[aquawayfinder]

She blinked, surprised. She tried to smile but it wobbled. "I've already put you in too much danger," she whispered. I don't want to hurt you further."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Aqua. Aqua no. I was in danger already when you met me. If you hadn't shown up, I don't know what would have happened." Well, he did. He would have been taken by Heartless, he was under no illusions about that.

He pulled her in again. "And besides, you're my friend and you're hurting. Even if I don't feel it, I know it. So please. Please. It's okay to let them out."

[aquawayfinder]

She hugged him again. "Thank you, my friend." But once she had dealt with the heartless... she could have left him with Khell and Rren, left them all safe in their own world. Away from her and her war.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki considered her, wanting to push, he didn't normally push, it went against everything he'd ever been taught. But she might just need it, for now, he went quiet, waiting, hoping he wouldn't need to.

[aquawayfinder]

Yeah, he probably needed to. She was keeping her shields up and was trying to pull herself together.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

It didn't take much to realize those shield were going back up. "Aqua... I said I'd be quiet with you if that's what you needed. I know I did. But, umm, Aqua, that's not what you need right now, and I think you know it. So talk to me. Please."

[aquawayfinder]

She was quiet a bit longer, trying to figure out what to say. What wouldn't cause more harm. What could actually help. What finally came out wasn't fully intended, but was perhaps on of the most honest things she ever could have said. "I wish Master Eraqus was here with us," she whispered.

He knew her since before she could remember. He had taught her, trained her, was the closest she had in any set of memories to a parent. And she could hav discussed all of this with him without worrying about hurting him or pulling him further into a problem he shouldn't have been dragged into.

But even more than that... He knew what being a Master was supposed to be. He'd know how to help, what to do, how to fix things for everyone... and what things just needed to run their course. Her heart was her guiding key, but for so much of so many of her lives... he had been a full third of her heart.

But now... very Ven she met had another Aqua waiting. Every Terra had suffered or was suffering because she or another Aqua hadn't been enough to save him. She loved Ven and Terra but they both needed her to be strong. Her Master might be disappointed in her weakness... though even in this mood she suspected he wouldn't be... but she knew as fact he wouldn't be hurt by it.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki did not take advantage of his height much in interaction with others, but he did as he kept an arm around her, offered any bit of support he had. "Ie?" he asked softly, squeezing her arm. "You must miss him a lot."

Enki might be encouraging Aqua to let her shields down, but he made a point to keep his strong. Right now, she needed to talk, not to just have him know anything. But even with the shield, he still gave off that air of calm and support. He was here and he wasn't going anywhere.

[aquawayfinder]

She nodded. Then she shook her head again. "I'm sorry, I'm being a terrible friend right now.."

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki shook his head, recognizing that line well enough and what other thoughts might go along with it. "Aqua. No. You're not. The only person you're being terrible to is yourself."

[aquawayfinder]

She took a few deep breaths. "I dragged you all into danger. Even after wee decided Micky should b the leader... I'm still acting like I am. I'm pushing people too hard, but I'm afraid that if I don't..." They'll be hurt far worse.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki considered all of that, weighing it and trying to gauge what wasn't said. "You were being a teacher, that never changed, Aqua. Now. I can say with some certainty I'm an adult. You didn't drag me anywhere I wasn't willing to go. So ah... why do you think that and what makes you say you are pushing too hard?"

Yes he knew Rren wasn't talking to her, but he wanted her words, her thoughts. This wasn't about Rren right now. It was about understanding Aqua's emotions and getting her talking.

[aquawayfinder]

"I didn't give you enough information, I didn't take the time I should have to help you find other options. All of you. And trying to help everyone be prepared..." She kept messing up.

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Enki frowned, that felt like a spiral. "Aqua... I'm shifting focus, but I think it's related. How much do you sleep each night? I'm not asking about anyone else or why, please just...humor me."

[aquawayfinder]

Confused by the abrupt shift, she blinked, the spiral halted for the moment as she considered the question. "Here... or back in camp...?"

[under_the_raptors_wings]

"Right now I'm asking about here."

[aquawayfinder]

She thought about it, trying to pull away from the pain of the other thoughts. "We're not as rushed here.... so unless someone is looking for me, I usually meditate after dinner then go to sleep... so... around sunset until just before sunrise. Though somtimes I get up in the middle of the night an watch the stars for a while before going back to bed. But when that happens I make sure to get in some extra meditation the next day to help fill in the lack of rest. Why?"

[under_the_raptors_wings]

Well. She had him beat on the sleep front. "I'm just... trying to figure out how much you rest. Aqua. Something is wrong, even if you are reluctant to tell me what, maybe a lot of things. But you also sound just plain tired and I umm, I was just checking if sleep played into it. Guess not." Which... honestly had him more worried rather than less.

[aquawayfinder]

She gave him a small smile. Warm and real but small. "Thank you," she said softly. "Despite what some people may think, I do actually understand and care about people getting enough sleep, myself included. But there are kins of fatigue that even sleep and eating well cannot cure," she said, softly. Part of Mastery is learning to work through your emotions, even the hard ones. That... is what I am trying to do today. To... go through them and address what I can, so they do not fester. So that they don't give the darkness a place to root in my heart. You are right, that I am tired. I just need to work it out. One way or another," she said with genuine gratitude in her voice.