Deep thoughts and meditations - OTA

[aquawayfinder]

Open/locked?: Open
Who: Aqua and whoever finds her
What: introspection
Warnings: Angst. War and death mentions. Probably a lot of them. Violence mentions possibly (mostly at a Kingdom Harts level so more disturbing than gory)


For the last few weeks Aqua has stopped waking people for training. They show up, she works with them. They don't she leaves them be. She's training herself every single day and mostly acting like she is alright. But she isn't. It is taking all her Mastery to keep herself together.

And eventually even that hits a limit. But she was self aware enough to know it was coming. So instead of being there for training one morning, she left a picnic basket with breakfast and a not that read "Day off - Aqua" where they usually met.

Aqua herself would be spending the day sitting on the flat part of the roof of the school, hidden from sight by the crenelations. It wasn't so much actively trying to hide as trying to remind herself of a fear she had Mastered. To give herself at least a small confidence boost.

But it wasn't working.

So much had been building up for so long now. But what had pushed it over had been Rren's words soon after they returned from the Isle.

It wasn't just that of course, but that was at the core of things. Their war wasn't Rren and Enki's war. They had offered to help but that really... It wasn't her place to push them so hard, but... If they helped and got hurt because they didn't know what they were doing. Because she hadn't prepared them.

And Lea. He needed more help than she knew how to give. She was supposed to be a Master, and he needed a Master. Desperately. Especially with his self esteem issues. But she didn't know how to help with that. She didn't know him well enough to know what to say that didn't sound generic. He was so sure that he was only being used because their side was desperate. She was supposed to know how to explain that the Keyblade came to him because of the core of who he is. Not because they needed another Keyblade, but because something in him called to the Keyblade. Because the Keyblade saw something in him that he didn't see himself yet.

But he was right that she didn't know him well enough. How was she supposed to help him?

She laid back on the roof and lifted a hand up summoning her Keyblade. She stared at the sunlight through it, switching through keychains rapidly to change the Keyblade's forms. Memories came with the shifts. Places. People. Ones she helped. Ones she failed.

She pulled her Keyblade down, resting it over her chest. Her other arm came over it the way one might hold a stuffed animal. "Maybe it was too soon," she whispered. "Maybe I wasn't ready yet either."

A single tear rolled down the side of her face. She was putting her friends in danger. She was failing as a teacher and all this... The world she was trying to save this time... wasn't hers either. It wasn't like she could settle down there after the war was over. That world had its own Aqua to save after. And she'd have to leave again. Find another reality. Get drawn into another version of the same war. Over and over again.

Would she ever find a world that needed her, this her? A world where she could just be a teacher, just be a friend. A big sister. Why did everyone only see her as a fighter, a warrior. That was such a small part of who she was. When would she ever find a place where she didn't have to constantly fight? A place she could stay?

She shook her head as her Keyblade vanished. She was disgusted with herself. This world, the one she was in now... this world needed her help. And instead she was spending her time trying to teach people who didn't want her help. So they could survive a war they shouldn't be tangled up in.

She knew that she had promised them she wouldn't go and try to take out Xehanort herself, but if she did... the rest of them would be safer. But only if she succeeded. They were right about that. If he got a foothold into her like he had Terra... She could make things so much worse.

She... she should focus on helping this world while she was here. And training herself. Helping her friends only when they want her to. She needed to pull back. Stop pushing. And figure out a way to stop the war when she goes back. Without putting anyone else in danger.

Another tear.

There had to be a way. She just had to be smarter, just had to figure it out. And then...

And then she'd be alone again.

But... that was how it was supposed to be, right? Until she could find a reality where there wasn't already an Aqua. A world that needed not Aqua the warrior, but that... that wanted Aqua the teacher, sister, and friend.

Except that she couldn't. Because she knew well enough she couldn't stay any place long without Ven and Terra. Knowing any version of them was out there needing any version of her... how could she be so selfish as to stay somewhere else? To want to rest?

She curled up on her side and for the first time in a long time, Aqua let herself quietly cry. For the first time in a long time she let her Mastery slide to the side, let own her guard, her hyperawareness. She had to address this pain before it gave the darkness a root in her heart. Even this in its way was Mastery. But it didn't feel like it.

It felt like pain and loneliness.

Comments

[queen_butterfly]

"Mm...." She let her sit up, and lifted a hand to smooth some of her blue hair out of her face. "...I don't suppose it's anything you'd like to discuss? I find that, on occasion, it can be a relief to simply put voice to those complaints which weigh on and irritate oneself."

[aquawayfinder]

"I... thank you. But I would not want to b a burden or make you feel obligated to help. I've done too much of that already."

[queen_butterfly]

"You aren't, and you haven't. I've offered." Simple as that.

[aquawayfinder]

She reached over to squeeze her hand. "Thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

She gave a squeeze back. "Of course...." She did hesitate a little; was Aqua going to take her up on that offer, or ought she try offering her something to drink, on the grounds that she could probably use it? Crying seemed to leave some people in need of that....

[aquawayfinder]

Aqua appreciated the offer but wasn't planning on taking her up on it. So the pause might get a little awkward.

[queen_butterfly]

She didn't let it drag out that long. "I don't suppose there's anything you might want?" A little gesture, turning her hand over, and somehow, it came back up with a glass in it, something just a hint too pink to be plain water inside. She held it out to her.

It was mostly water, but there was a little hint of something in it... a faint taste of strawberries, cherries, and something vaguely floral.

[aquawayfinder]

She took the glass but didn't drink it, slidding it around between her hands instead. "I thank you, but knowing how hub worlds work, I suspect there is no magic that can bring what I want..."

[queen_butterfly]

"I'd meant more at this moment.... Sometimes, the only thing to do is to focus on what one can handle. I don't know the extent of what you're dealing with, only that it seems to be affecting you greatly... and if, as you say, magic can't help... if you can't solve whatever is the matter... is there anything that might at least help you take your mind off of it?

"Do you have hobbies, aside from your training? Art, perhaps? Music? Gardening? ...I have some of my roses here, even ones that grow to be the color of your hair, if you'd like to help me tend to them?"

Mallia'd said she kept herself busy with various projects... she never said that some of them couldn't also be relaxing endeavors.

[aquawayfinder]

"I thank you, and I look forward to taking you up on that in the future. But for now, I need to work through these emotions, not bury them. Painful as they are, they are a part of life that must be faced. I will not run away from them."

Though running did seem like a good way to work her body as her emotions turned over, perhaps.

[queen_butterfly]

She nodded. "It's sometimes a delicate balance, in knowing how long to sit with something and simply feel it as one needs... and how long is simply punishment." She eyed Aqua, serious. "I know you must be quite stressed... how long has it been since you've had a wonderful time? Not just a moment that made you smile, or some time of peace for not thinking of anything... but honestly enjoyed yourself?"

[aquawayfinder]

"That isn't exactly something I have time for at the moment," sh said, as if apologetic.

[queen_butterfly]

"Nonsense," she said softly. "That's like saying you've no time to rest, while falling down from exhaustion, and getting little done because of it. If one doesn't take care of themselves, they won't be in any proper state to take care of another. I would understand, if there were something immediately pressing, but if there isn't....

"To be clear, I'm not saying to not face what you need to. But I do think you ought to consider facing it from a better position, if it's too much in the moment, or sitting with it doesn't lead to progress. Do you think there's a chance, perhaps, that you'll be better able to confront whatever it is, once you're in a less stressed state later?"

[aquawayfinder]

"I thank you for your concern, but it is not to that extreme. I will be okay."

[queen_butterfly]

She eyed Aqua, quiet.... and then sighed quietly, finally nodding a little. "I'll trust you on that. But please, please keep it in mind. I'll be around, whether you'd like refreshments, or a change of pace, or... really, anything else. All right?"

She was going to at least make the offer; she wouldn't feel right not doing so.

[aquawayfinder]

"Thank you very much. I appreciate it."

[queen_butterfly]

A little nod again, and she glanced about the rooftop, unsure if she should leave and give Aqua her privacy back, or if she'd appreciate some company for a while still. So, logically, she may as well ask her.

"In the meanwhile... I don't suppose you've any suggestions for a place in which I might steal some sunlight for a while? I'm reluctant to do so in the garden; I don't wish to compete with the plants."

[aquawayfinder]

"I am pretty sure sunlight in this world doesn't work in such a way that sitting near plants to draw sun yourself takes any away from them," she said, trying to be reassuring.

Look she's seen weirder than a world where sunlight reacts to the gravitational pull of individuals.

[queen_butterfly]

"Nor does it where I hail from; I was doing a bit more than simply sitting, if I'm honest...."

Like, oh, being an energy sponge of sorts....

[aquawayfinder]

"Perhaps up here on the roof then?"

[queen_butterfly]

She hesitated... she had been trying to ask in a more sideways fashion, but she rather suspected that the other lady might've been interpreting it as a problem to solve, the way that that was phrased.

"To be clear... do you want company, quiet or otherwise? Because there are other rooftops, if you'd rather not."

[aquawayfinder]

"Ah, my apologies. I would not mind, thank you."

[queen_butterfly]

A little nod, and she moved, getting into a position where she could sit with her back to the rest of the rooftop. It looked for a moment as though the nonexistent breeze was lifting the loose fabric that hung down behind her, that odd little cape attached to her dress... but the way it spread out around her didn't exactly follow. Maybe it was just how she'd moved, that spread it out, like when one shook a sheet over a bed, but done more subtly?

Or magic, for whatever reason she'd done it. Probably magic.

Also likely magic-related, the way the shadows deepened around them as she drew a long, slow breath, relaxing there. For all that she claimed she didn't exactly meditate... maybe she was defining it a bit differently?

It would take a moment, but the air did seem to finally move just a little, a faint trace of a lower temperature, barely noticeable, sliding past them on the roof's surface. If she were drawing heat energy from the environment, not just energy from the light, she was still holding back on how much she was taking all at once... but maybe it explained why she was hesitant to take it from somewhere greener?

Then again, how often did making things darker and colder ever hint at good things, in Aqua's experience? But different worlds... it was a puzzle, surely.

[aquawayfinder]

Different worlds indeed. If she was just from one set of her memories she might have become concerned rather than alertly aware. But one could only spend so much time with Henry McCoy without learning that who a person is matters more than instant impressions or instinct. And nothing about Malia has ever given her cause for concern, never made her think Malia might be evil. But she would be alert. In case this wasn't Malia's doing. Or it was an she was doing too much...

[queen_butterfly]

She peeked up a little, after a bit of a pause, meeting Aqua's gaze. Softly, "It's long been a saying... something of a joke, I suppose... but did you know that it is possible to bottle lightning?"

She took another deep breath, and lifted her hands, putting them together. The shadows she was somehow affecting grew darker still, and another whisper of cool air slid away from where she sat.

"And sunlight, as well," she continued, "which must do, as I've seen no lightning here from which to drink...."

So it seemed to be confirmed, then, that she was pulling in the light and heat from around her. A beat passed, and then the shadows lessened a bit as she quit drawing it all in so much. The colors seemed a little brighter again, their waning only notable once it had so swiftly ceased. "But it's easier, I admit, when I have a proper vessel for it."

She lowered her hands and held them out to Aqua, cupping something within them now, a small sparkling thing, tiny and delicate, giving off some little light of its own, little motes of sunlight that had become... what, exactly, a bead? Mallia moved a hand, rolling it into the palm of the other. "Do you use magic yourself, perchance?"