Who: Lea and Aqua in one thread, Lea and anyone in the others
When: After the memory event, but before the next Isle trip
Where: Various places, see thread prompts
What: Now that the days are getting longer and the possibility of not being stuck inside any more looks imminent, Lea is feeling motivated. Time to get things done, some of which he's been putting off for awhile.
Warnings: Feels probably in the thread with Aqua. Otherwise, we'll see.
Fire And Water- Closed to Aqua
Another training session in the gym, virtually indistinguishable from most of the others since they'd been stuck inside. Though, this time, Lea hung back afterwards, looking thoughtful. "Aqua?", he said. "If you've got a few minutes, there's some things I want to talk to you about."Magitek For Fun And Profit
Lea reading isn't that rare of a sight, but when one does spot him, he's usually curled up in one of the library's comfy chairs or stretched out the common room sofa with a cup of tea and either a stack of comic books or a YA novel or two. But today, Lea's seated at one of the library's tables. The cup of tea is still present nearby but his attitude is different, as is his choice of reading material. The book open in front of him looks more like a textbook or other nonfiction title than anything else, and he has a open notebook and pen right at hand, occasionally pausing in his reading to note things down. What is it that could have given Lea of all people the urge to study?Let The Sun Shine In
Lea was walking through the greenhouse, but at present, his focus wasn't on any of the plants. Instead, he was looking up, carefully directing his magic to melt any lingering patches of snow on the roof. He knew his way around well enough to avoid stepping on any flowerbeds or bumping into tables, planters, or equipment racks. Most of the time, the only interruption might be if the ent got a little too curious about his hair, but that had mostly been solved by a few well placed colorful bangles hung from the ceiling on strings. But looking up does tend to make it easy to run into people or other non-stationary obstacles that might be on the walkways. Assuming you're not just trying to figure out what he's looking at.Let There Be Light
Lea was rummaging through one of the supply closets, apparently looking for something. And without much success, by the sound of it. "Come on, they've gotta be here someplace," he said. "You'd think a school like this would have a whole crate or something of spares sitting around, but nooo..." ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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kingdoms_of_auradon2025-01-03 12:02 am
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She sook her head a bit. "I think Sora has the potential to be one of the greatest Masters in history. I think if he can make it to his future it will include teaching. He wants to help too much to not. Because the war will end eventually, and he'll need some way to channel all his energy and his drive. Training himself, and training others is a natural step on his path. And hopefully some version of myself, Terra, and Ven will be there to help."
"As to what happened to Xion and Roxas, what happened to Riku, to you, to everyone hurt that way... that isn't the fault of yourselves or of the Keyblade. That is the fault of the people who hurt you. If someone were to make Xion's life miserable because of the color of her skin or her eyes, is that the fault of her skin and eyes? Or the fault of the person attacking her?" She shook her head again and ran a hand through her hair. "In the world where mutants were hated... Many people tried to end my life because my hair was blue. They saw that and from that decided I must be a mutant and therefore had to die. It wasn't my mutant power that was to blame, nor was it my fault for being a mutant. Their bigotry was theirs. The fault was theirs, and also those who encouraged them in such violent hatred. But if you blame Xion's Keyblade for how Xion is treated - and yes I am using her a an example for a reason - how long before he internalizes that to feeling like you blame her for how she was treated?" she asked gently.
"It is easy to aim your anger at the Keyblades, but what purpose does that serve, Lea? What purpose does holding onto this anger serve at all? Even if we blame those who should be blamed... our blame, our hurt, our anger... it hurts us far more than it hurts them."
She leaned back again. "I do not hate the people who tried to kill me for being a mutant. The people who tried to hurt my students. The parents who abandoned them or worse when their powers developed. I do not even hate Xehonort. I did for a while," she admitted. "But the only thing that changed was me. It solved nothing. It only made things worse."
"Railing against being chosen by the Keyblade changes nothing but your relationship to your own power and potential. And those who look to you, perhaps. But Lea... it doesn’t stop Keyblades from choosing anyone else."
She sighed and looked at him. "You have a Keyblade now. You can choose to never use it, though I suspect you won't. But you can't undo that you were chosen. It is part of who you are now. How you choose to deal with that emotionally will change how smooth or rough your path is going forward. It will harm you or it will heal you. But that is all."
he reached a hand and rested it on his chest, unless he moved away. "Your Heart is strong, Lea. Your emotions are strong as well. But you are the one who decides which emotions you allow to take over you. Anger is fine and natural, but it is like salt. Too much of it is toxic, and even a little when pressed to a wound can hurt. But the one it will hurt is you," she said softly, gently, letting her hand fall back to the seat between them.
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"As for Xion and Roxas, they're kinda bad examples when talking about anything nature related, given how they were born. But again, you're equating Keyblades with something that's mindless and doesn't actually do any choosing. Barring weird cases like Xion's, someone's hair, skin, or eye color, or whether they were a mutant or not, is just a genetic dice-roll. There's no choice involved in the process, theirs or anyone else's."
"If someone abuses someone else like that or is bigoted towards them for any reason, it's wrong and that's indeed the fault of the abuser or bigot and they should be held accountable. But if someone or something deliberately chose to to put them in that situation, then they need to be held accountable too."
Lea sighed. "Xion in particular though is... complicated. The only reason she was created was basically to be a walking Keyblade that the Organization could control. There was never meant to be a person there. Obviously that's not how it worked out, but she has pretty much the exact opposite problem to the one you described; she thinks that the Keyblade is the only thing that gives her value. That her only worth is what she can do, because that's what the Organization taught her. And I've been trying in every way I know how to convince her otherwise and teach her better, as have the few other people she's managed to open up to without much luck. She's so terrified of changing that as long as the option to fall back on the familiar exists, I don't think it's going to happen."
"Having a Keyblade is... not healthy for her. Any relationship she might have had with it was poisoned from the beginning. It needs to end, and she needs to learn to stand on her own, without a Keyblade to fall back on. That's why if I can figure out a way to remove Keyblades from people entirely, so much the better, but if I can't, I want to at least remove her from the life that comes with Keyblades as much as possible. She doesn't need training, she needs a chance to just be a normal kid, at least for awhile. She needs a life that's not defined by her abilities, and I'm gonna do my best to give it to her."
Lea made no attempt to move away as she discussed anger, but nor did he respond until he was sure she was finished. "Too much of anything is toxic. Even normally beneficial or necessary things like water. But I actually thought about that too. Why did I fly off the handle the way I did? Who or what was I so angry at? And you now what I figured out? It's injustice. It's people and things who need to be held accountable for their actions and haven't been."
"Xehanort needs to be stopped and to be held accountable for the stuff he's done, and hasn't been, so I'm angry at him. The first generation of Auradon's rulers need to he held accountable for what they did regarding the Isle, and haven't been, so I'm angry at them. Even Keyblades, assuming you're right about them doing the choosing, while they've certainly done good, have also done serious harm, and aren't being held accountable for it by the only people who reasonably could, namely Keyblade Masters, so I'm mad at them too. And if it's not the Keyblades themselves doing the choosing, then I'm mad at the Masters for taking children and using them to perpetuate their system, even if it wasn't done out of malice, because they need to be held accountable and haven't been."
"But I'm not mad at Vexen and most of the others who were the Organization's original members anymore, despite the fact that they hurt me more personally than maybe any other person has. Why? Because they stepped up, held themselves accountable for what they did, and are trying to make amends as best they can. I'm not mad at the Voidtrecker Express, because even though it basically kidnapped me and Xion and caused a lot of trouble, it and eventually the Void Ministry stepped up, took responsibility, and tried to make things right."
"Injustice ticks me off. Lack of accountability ticks me off. Seeing people suffering because of the words and actions of others ticks me off. And that's not gonna stop happening as long as more fuel keeps being added to the fire. If it hurts, that's because it should. Pain is a signal that something is wrong and needs to be addressed, in your body or in the world at large. I can't not be angry when I see things that are worth being angry about. Because it's that kind of anger that's part of what makes me want to change things for the better."
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She considered then looked around and gestured at the room. "Take King Ben's parents as an example, since you brought them up. I don't think that how they handled the situation was right either... but I can see how they came to the solution that they did. I do not agree with it, but I see it. They were in pain, they were angry at something I think you would understand well. They were angry at what they saw as bullies. People with power, be it political or magical or both, who used it for selfish ends. People who hurt others either intentionally or uncaringly as a side effect of trying to get what they wanted. What justice could balance the scales against someone like their world's version of Lady Tremaine? They could jail her for what she did not just to Cinderella but to the animals in the household. But is that really justice? Should they have made her serve as she made Cinderella serve? What of her daughters? Should they have been excused because their mother was worse to Cinderella than they were and they shouldn't be held accountable because they're younger and had no good example? Or should they, just barely adults when everything came to a head, be held accountable for their own part in Cinderella's misery? What exactly is justice there? What could be done to them that would balance what was done to Cinderella without going too far? What of Jafar, trapped forever as a genie, but still a danger if the wrong person got ahold of their lamp. Did they do him a kindness making him human again while they punished him by cutting him off from all sources of power? What would be the balance there? What is the accountability? And which of them should suffer the worse punishment, Lea? Lady Tremaine and her daughters actively harmed Cinderella for a few years before they were stopped. But they never attempted to kill anyone. Jafar attempted to kill Aladdin and force Jasmine to marry him, but he failed at both. What he succeeded at was brainwashing the
Sultan for years but in ways that we cannot tell, could maybe never tell, if they actually did harm, and he had his familiar steal a lamp. And he briefly tormented a few people for less than a handful of days. He had the potential to do far more harm than Lady Tremaine, but in the end... it could be argued that he did less. So what would be accountability for him?"
She shook her head. "And there is more than accountability to be considered in their decision. More than fairness. They also wanted to prevent future harm to those who could not protect themselves. They felt a duty of care, a responsibility. So they felt compelled to ensure that those that caused harm before, however they were punished, however they were held accountable..."
"And then there is also a concern about public reaction. People who feel scared often make choices that do harm in ways they do not when they feel secure. Sadly the opposite is also true. People of any world, any species are people. None of us are perfect and even when harm is not intended, it is sometimes caused all the same. But I could see them thinking that if the people felt safe they wouldn't make choices that caused harm. Honestly from what I have learned from King Ben and the history books, I suspect that Queen Belle and King Beast were far more sheltered than either you or I have been in a very long time."
She looked up at the ceiling again and ran a hand through her own hair gently. "I can see how they thought they were doing what was right. I can see how they were trying to do good but were shortsighted and oversimplified their choices and reactions. I also feel that they made the wrong choice. I do not know that what I might have done differently would turn out to be the right choice either, however. This might not be a situation where there was a right choice at all. One thing I would not have done is revive the dead to entrap them. I would like to think that I'd have treated them better, and I would like to think that I would have tried to find ways to attempt rehabilitation along the way. But I can also see how they went from a shut in prince who had only his own household to govern and a young woman who only ever had herself and her father to look after to having to rule a kingdom of many disparate cultures who all feared the return of villains or the rise of new ones. Reading between the lines of things Ben has said, I wonder if his parents ever knew a single day absent of fear since the Isle barrier arose."
She sighed again. "That... I think that is a part of my issue with railing against injustice. Because anger makes it all to easy to see what is wrong in the end result without stopping to consider they whys of why it happened. I suspect in this case you did stop to consider it as well.. but that puts you in the minority in general." She closed her eyes. "I think that King Beast and Queen Belle were in the process of being held accountable for some of it when everything changed, for what it is worth. But then we return to the question of 'what is justice? what is enough?', because they watched their son undo the one thing that they thought they had contributed to keeping people safe. They watched someone they thought was truly good, someone they cared about, and saw how she turned to what they would have previously called irredeemably evil. They were, again going off of what Ben has said having never met them myself, in the process of learning and growing. But then... we all are."
"Part of the problem with justice a a concept is that it is like good and evil. It is a monolithic thing that seems obvious and immutable to most people when in reality..." She considered, "Do you know the story of the four blind men and the elephant?"
She had othr points he had made that she wanted to circle back to later and discuss, but...
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"I'll be the first to admit that I don't have all the answers about big concepts good and evil, justice and injustice. And definitely don't know the specifics of what the laws here are like and I'm not likely to learn; judging by previous experience in Diatu, all studying laws is likely to accomplish is putting me to sleep. But after everything I've seen and experienced, I do at least know a thing or two. I know that lumping everyone from would-be world conquerors to hired stooges and everything in between together in one group is a stupid idea. And I'm realizing more and more- with all due respect to Ben and Mal- that having 'who your parents were' or 'who you married' being the only qualifying factors for being named the ruler of a country is an even stupider one."
Lea leaned forward slightly, forearms resting on his thighs, looking down at his folded hands between his knees. "If the Isle was meant to be a prison, and just poorly managed, I could believe that Ben's parents had good intentions and just screwed up. I don't doubt that all that stuff you mentioned was a factor, like anger, inexperience, and public pressure. And maybe the whole thing was their idea, maybe someone else originally came up with it, but as King and Queen, the responsibility ultimately falls on them, and to a lesser extent, the rest of Auradon's nobility, who almost certainly had a say."
"But the Isle's not meant to be a prison. It's meant to be a trash dump. It's not a place to house prisoners, either for punishment or rehabilitation; it's a place where you to throw anyone or anything that you don't want, forget about them, and leave them to rot. It's the societal equivalent of sweeping the dirt under the rug and hoping no one notices. The rulers of Auradon didn't treat the people on the Isle as prisoners. I can't even say they treated them like non-sentient animals, because they didn't even keep animals in those conditions. They treated them like literal trash. Something disgusting and dirty, something undeserving of even the most basic decency, and most importantly, something less. Less than them. Less than people."
"I can forgive a lot of things, Aqua. I can offer understanding for a lot of things. But there's no excuse for treating people, even bad people, as less than people. There's no excuse for leaving children to rot for the crimes of their parents. There's no excuse for the Isle as they made it. None. Whatever the people they sent to the Isle deserved, whatever 'justice' would have been for them, it wasn't that. And the people that put them there knew it."
He straightened, turning his gaze back to Aqua directly. "But it's interesting that you bring up fear like that, because I was thinking the same thing. Except not about just them, but about all of Auradon. You saw how the place was when we first arrived; everything was just a little too clean, too neat, too perfect. To the point where it almost seemed fake, like we were walking through a theme park or a movie set rather than a real place where people were meant to live. And Mal told me that even at an outdoor festival, people were constantly cleaning up, scrubbing down tables and stuff. As if they were desperate to get rid of any kind of mess or anything not squeaky-clean and perfect right away."
"That just smacks of fear to me. A fear of not being seen as nice enough, clean enough, perfect enough. Not being 'good' enough. Like everyone was constantly trying to prove that they were 'good' enough for Auradon, and hiding or getting rid of anything that didn't fit that image. Which ties back in to how they viewed the people on the Isle as 'less than'. Because if they weren't constantly saying by their actions- 'Look, see? We're not like them. We're nice and clean and good. We're the total opposite of them.'- that someone might doubt that they belonged in Auradon, when there was only one other option. Or maybe if they didn't distinguish themselves enough, make themselves seem as opposite as possible, that they'd have to acknowledge that the people they'd looked down on and hated weren't all that different from them in some respects, and they couldn't have that. From what I can tell, Auradon ran partly on fear, even if it was candy-coated fear, and it seemed like that not long before things got turned upside down the cracks were starting to show in more ways than one."
"Anyway, all that said, no, I can't say I've heard that story before. But given that we're from different worlds in more ways than one, I'd almost be more surprised if I had. What's the story?"
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"As for the story, it is a short one, but one that seems to be relevant time and again. It is simply this. Once there were four blind men, great friends of old, who encountered an elephant for the first time. They had never heard of an elephant before and asked the handler to tell them about the creature. And the handler told them they could go ahead and touch the elephant, and then say what they think first.
"And so the four men did. One touched the tail and told the others that an elephant is thin and round like a snake. Another touched the elephant's flank and said that an elephant is massive and flat and tall. Another felt the elephant's leg and agreed to round, but massive. And the fourth touched the ear, and agreed with flat and thin. The four men started to argue, each sure of what he knew, and thus now thinking his friends had lied to him, and were insisting on their lies. It made them call into question all their friends had told them before. For each knew what they had felt, each knew what an elephant was. And when the handler was willing to explain, none of the men were willing to listen. To anyone. The four friends parted ways, friends no longer. Because each was certain in what they knew, because they had experienced it for themselves."
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"So yeah, not quite the intended moral there, story. But still not a bad one."
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He sighed. "I didn't start this conversation because I wanted to have a debate with you about the nature of justice, or Keyblades, or anything like that. I started it because I wanted you to know where I stood. But you know the crazy thing? If I hadn't spent the last couple years bumping around the multiverse, this might have been a real different story. Aside from the recruiting kids thing, as I was back then, I'd have been right with you. So much of my life at that point had just been spent going from one mission or crisis to the next, what was a few more? But then I got hauled to Diatu."
"Or more accurately, I should say, got hauled to the Tenscore Kingdoms. But most of my time there was spent in and around Diatu Magicademy so just calling it Diatu is easier. I was super ticked off at first; bad enough being magically kidnapped for no good reason, but then they had the nerve to say I had to go back to school and try to micromanage me? Yeah I wasn't having that. Almost got in a fistfight with someone on day one. I did settle down eventually of course, and it started to suck less when more of my friends started showing up. First Xion, who was actually there before me. Then Isa. Then Roxas, and briefly Sora. I started to settle into my classes, got to catch up with everyone, found a great, quirky ice cream place, made some new friends; things were going good. I helped the efforts to find a way to send us home of course but as it started to become an actual possibility... I realized that I didn't want to leave."
"We were safe there. I had my friends with me. There was no crisis we had to deal with, no psychos trying to kill us... Yeah weird magical stuff happened sometimes, but for the most part the biggest worries I had were homework. And I'd never have believed as a kid how nice it would be to be in that situation. In the end it was Isa who helped shake me out of my indecision and get back on track."
"But then, speaking of tracks, Xion and I got swept up by the Voidtreker Express. And it was back to dealing with missions and crises. A new world every month, a new problem that someone needed our help to solve. Got used to that too, made new friends and met old friends there too. But there was never any feeling of wanting to stay. The only regret I had at the end was having to leave the friends I'd made there."
"I though Xion and I'd be going home after that but no, we got dropped here. In a situation that left both of us with a lot of time on my hands.And Especially recently, time to think about what it is I really want. And thinking back over everything, I realized that it was what I had at Diatu that I missed the most. Not the location, but... the feeling. Isa was right when he said we couldn't stay there, but that feeling? That's what I want out of life. I want peace; not quite the kind I had as a kid because there's no getting that back, but as close to it as I can get. And I want it at home, with my friends. So much of my life has been spent fighting, but I can't be like you, and make a career out of it. I'll help if it's needed obviously, but the life of a Keyblade Master isn't the life for me. Not now."
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She took a breath. "There is a saying. Well behaved people rarely make history. The first problem is exactly that. History books spend most of their breadth on intense but comparatively short times that came before. Going from, let's say the Mark of Mastery exam for me and Terra until the end of the war... It was less than 11 years. Then look at the years before that, and you have an exponentially longer time before you get to the last big conflict than was spent in that one. But History rarely talks about decades or centuries of peace. That's for cultural anthropologists, but as History is often a required course and most places do not even offer cultural anthropology as an option until after schooling is no longer compulsory. So the view most people get of history is framed entirely by conflict." She considered. "Though one history book I read at Master Xavier's school was absolutely an exception. It was called 1587, A Year Of No Significance. But that is beside the point. The point I am trying to make is that most Keyblade Masters did exactly what you said you liked best about Diatu. Learning, focusing on studies, being safe around people they cared about who were also safe. But the history that we learn rarely reflects that."
She sighed. "And of course the other problem is me. I'm not.... typical..." she said, slowly. "And if I am the only real example you have to go by then... I appologize. I can't stop being me, and I will not. But I appologize for the impression you get from me. I... am like a history book, I guess. I am trapped in the constant cycle of combat and danger so much so that it looks like that is all there is to my story. Because every time I see the Keyblade war end... I leave, and wind up in another reality where it is still raging, and I step in to help," her voice was soft then. She kept speaking, even though it hurt. "But it isn't that I don't want peace too. I do. If Ven and Terra arrived here tomorrow the temptation to stay.... it would be painful to not. But the guilt I would feel if they weren't my Terra and My Ven..." she shook her head. A tear falling. "That's why I have to keep moving on. Why I feel guilty staying here, even though I have no real choice in the matter. Because somewhere out there is a Terra and a Ven whose Aqua.... just vanished. They can't find me until I find our reality again. And... it is more than just one... And I do not think I could ever even begin to choose. I want home," she said quietly but emphatically, the words hurting to speak, but she spoke them. "But I'll never truly have it. Because I can't."
A deep breath, then she wiped her tears and got back on track. "But you can. Xion can. Roxas can." She tried to give him a smile, it wobbled a bit. "Being a Master wouldn't change that after the war the three of you can live in peace and just... be safe and happy. All it means is that you and those you would be teaching would be ready to protect that peace if it was again threatened. You wouldn't be seeking out that danger, Lea. You would just be ready to stand up and protect those you care about if that danger did come again. Statistically it would be highly unlikely, but we all know you can't rely on statistics. But if danger did come again, wouldn't you rather be there, ready and able to face it... rather than blindsided and unable to help until many hav already suffered?" she asked, softly, looking down at her hands. Almost as if she was asking herself as much as she was asking him.
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"I'm aware that I probably didn't get the best sample when it comes to time involved with Keyblades," he said. "But that sample is still 100% of my experience with them. And with all due respect, that kind of peace isn't the same thing as what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about relaxing but being on guard and prepared to pull out a weapon at a moment's notice if need be. I'm talking about the kind of peace where you can put down your weapons and drop your guard entirely because you know it's safe. You know there's no danger and that nothing will harm you. That you're 100% safe. I had something close to that in Diatu. And I want it again; properly this time."
"And I've had to deal with meeting alternate versions of my friends too, but honestly, I think you've got it wrong. I've thought about this a lot too, and decided that Xion is Xion. And Roxas is Roxas. Maybe they're not from the same version of things as I am, but well... having been a Nobody give you kinda a unique perspective on what it means to be 'the' version of a person. Every Roxas and every Xion is my best friend, because I know any version of me would be theirs. Even if a couple dozen versions of them both showed up here- after we finished handing out ID-tags because man, that'd be confusing-it'd just mean I'd have a bunch more friends. And a bunch more homes, because they'd be a part of mine now and I'd be a part of theirs."
"But the bottom line is, eventually, you're gonna make it back to your native world. Whether it's next week, next month, or a decade from now, you'll make it back. And when you do? That's probably gonna be it. More multiversal shenanigans aside, you're probably not gonna have a choice about staying there any more than you do here. And you'll get used to it because well, life happens. You'll have stuff to do things to arrange, plans to make, and before you know it you'll realize that you made a choice almost without intending to. Gradually, over days and weeks and months and years, you'll have chosen home."
"As for the rest of it..." He sighed. "Aqua, I don't need you to convince me that I might make a good Master. I'm aware of that. I might also make a good dentist, or ballet dancer, or rodeo clown, but that's not the point. It doesn't matter how good I'd be at any of those things because I've decided that that isn't what I'm going to do with my life. This isn't me looking for encouragement or a morale boost; this is me informing you, as my teacher and my friend, that I have made a decision and explaining how I arrived at it. No more, no less. Got it memorized?"
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When he said the part about her getting back to her origin world eventually, she nodded. And when he finished she took a deep breath. "A few things. That choice you said I'd find I'd made? It's already been made. I find my way back there, to the Terra and Ven that have never had any other Aqua other than me? To the Isle where our students will be coming back and need Masters to teach them, to a world that thinks different is wrong... I already chose. That is where my home will be, where my home is. Getting back there, and staying there... that has been my goal for longer than I can remember. That world needs me as much as any other reality has and..." a soft voice as she looked out at the middle distance again. "I need it. That's why nowhere else has ever felt like home, Lea. Because I already have one. And I know it. It will hurt saying goodbye to the friends I have made along the way," she admitted. "But your realities all have an Aqua. And like you said... she'll still be me. She might not have my memories of my time with you.. but you will. And I am sure you will be able to bring her up to speed, emotionally."
She sighed a bit. Shook her head. "I understand what you are saying, and I will do my best not to push anymore. I just... as you say, one day I will be gone. This me. And I don't know what the me I am leaving behind will be like. I want to do what I can to make sure your world will stay safe."
She leaned her head back and rolled her shoulders a bit. "But I'll do my best to push you less about becoming a Master in that sense. But that doesn't mean going easier on you in training. Whatever your choice for after the battles are won... you still have to get to that point. If I get to leave here with you, that's easy enough. I can protect you all long enough to end it and tell you how to save your world's version of me to be there for you when I leave. But there is always the chance I can't. And I want to know you all will survive, if you have to fight without me there."